I truly don't know how to feel at this moment in time. I'm hurt, angry, frustrated, excited, guilty.

I went to the OBGYN today with Heather to get her checked out. When we were in Dr. Richmond's office he was talking about the symptoms of PCOS with her. "Do you have odd hair growth? No. *yes.* Do you have saver acne on your face and body? No. *Yes.* Do you have hypoglycemia? No. *YES!*" All I could do was hang my head and struggle to not cry. All I could say was, "Oh my God." He just looked at me. "I have all those things." "You need to set up an appointment."

But I have endometriosis. I've been labeled since I was 14. They haven't fixed it. I'm not better. But I have a label. A label that explained my problem. Not well. Not all of them, but it gave the monster a name. It couldn't be the wrong name. Too many things have been affected for it to be the wrong thing.
I look at the symptoms and it's pretty much all there, in black and white. My problems. My pain. Why? Why couldn't they have told me this 11 years ago? They could have fixed me. I wouldn't have spent the last 11 years in pain and sick. I wouldn't have spend the last 2 years torturing myself month after month with not getting pregnant. I wouldn't have lost my daughter.

I know I could have still lost her, but at least she would have had a fighting chance if we'd known the problem. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I feel cheated.

At the same time, I have a flicker of hope. An excitement I haven't felt in almost a year. What if this is it? What if this is the answer? The end of my journey? What if baby Johnson isn't so far away. What if there was still a chance? And then the guilt sets in.

Birdie. If I get pregnant, how much farther into the foster process will we go until later? Sure, years from now, once our child is a little older, it's something I have my heart set to do, but what changes if a child comes sooner rather than later? What happens after we complete the classes, we complete the interviews, we're on our way to being licensed and those 2 pink lines show up? The ones I thought would never come? The ones I had peace that I would never see. What then? It wouldn't be fair to put a foster child in second fiddle. It wouldn't be fair to deny our child of the one on one attention when they get here. I just don't know. I'm so torn. And then the fear on top of that set in. What if I start treatments, and plan to get pregnant, and it still doesn't happen. Just because we get answers doesn't mean we'll get solutions.

My heart is in a million places right now. I feel a million things. My identity is being question. My label may be wrong. A word I've worn for the better part of my life could change. A word I've only recently gotten settled into (foster mom) is being questioned.

What do I do? How do I feel? Who am I?

WICKED!

The hubby gave me the greatest Christmas present ever and I finally got see it tonight! Tickets to Wicked! It was an experience of a lifetime! Since being back on stage I've really felt a peace within myself feeling back in my own skin, doing something I love to do. As much as I love being on stage, nothing compares to watching a show come together at the peak, being a part of an audience, feeling every emotion without being clouded by the process that went into it. It took my breath. I've been waiting years to see it so it was a dream come true for me. I literally felt like I was flying when we left. I cried throughout the entire show, that's the overly zealous side of me, but when Elphie backed up to the back of the stage and I knew she was about to fly in Defying Gravity, I gripped onto Randy's knee, my body shook, and I thought I was going to hyperventilation. Years of adoration came pouring out all in that moment with that famous note as she was lifted into the air. I sobbed. It was beautiful. Every moment I was glued to. The actors were superb and the each member of the ensemble were top notch. I couldn't picture it being any better. The girl playing Elphaba was perfect. I could picture Idina Menzel at every second, yet she still made it her own. The night was perfect. My husband knows just what it takes to send me over the moon!

Second Class

We had our second class on Monday and it was fabulous as usual! I am so surprised at how honestly enjoyable these classes are. We got to meet the on staff counselor and hear his story and his interests and after talking about it, he really got me interested in attachment research on foster children. This is something I hope to study into further while we're on this journey. I've gotten very interested in behavioral sciences and children's psychology since we've started these classes. It has unearthed a passion for study that I wasn't aware I had. Children's brains are fascinating things.
This week in class we talked about the foster care and adoption experience and we role played a situation that featured a girl named Lillie. It showed us that even normal, well meaning parents can make a couple of wrong missteps and their world can come crashing down and boom, foster care is in play. It helped explain the positives in reunification as well. That is something that is a mindset that you just keep telling yourself is the goal. Next week we'll be talking about Losses and Gains and being a Loss expert. I'm looking forward to it, but I also think it's going to be very emotional. After reading ahead a little I saw we will be doing roadwork (homework) on dealing with the grief of infertility. Wow. That should be interesting.

Today I had to go thrifting for some final pieces for my Enid Hoopes costume for Legally Blonde (we open in 8 days!). I can't believe I've barely (if any) have mentioned the show. I guess there has just been too many other things going on for me to focus on it, but it's been a really fun show to be apart of and an amazing cast to work with. I've made precious new friends thanks to it. Enid has been a great role to experience. I'll actually be the first Enid Hoopes on stage in Alabama, which I find to be very very cool! She is certainly a big comic relief in the show and I don't usually get to play 'funny'. I feel strong in my performance, but it could (and will) get so much better (oh oh oh OH, much better). It's been fun to just let go and loose myself in someone so uninhibited.

While thrifting I also bought some books for Birdie. Okay, I say some, I bought A LOT of books for Birdie. Ranging from the complete collection of Winnie the Pooh (for $1.25 SCORE), to Dr. Seuss, to Aesop's fables and tons of others. I got a total of around 50 books and I only paid $18 for them. Birdie's bookshelf is going to be STOCKED! :) Our walk through was postponed so the house is still a mess but the room is getting closer and closer! I can't wait for it to be finished and to have a place for all of these wonderful things!

In my arms

I joined adoption.com last night. I made the mistake of looking through the listings of children up for adoption in our state, and I fell in love with a brother sister sibling set, ages 6 and 7. Everything about them seemed like perfection for us. I wish we had the money to do a traditional adoption, but I'm happy with the path that we've chosen. Foster care will open a lot of doors for us as far as leading us to the right children. I trust that they will come to us. We will find them.

I was on a friend's blog today and a song started playing that really touched my heart and reminded me of my Birdie(s). Normally I turn off music when I go to a website, and I actually went to click to pause it, but something told me just to listen. I'm so glad I did.


Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books are full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Fears

I have a wonderful husband. A supremely supportive husband. A husband who's number one goal is to always make me happy. I am so lucky. But I am also so fearful. Fostering is such a big commitment. One I know I am ready and beyond willing to make, but I worry Randy only wants to make me happy. He says he's so excited, and the rational part of me says to believe him and take it for face value, but the worrier in me says I'm asking too much. I was made to be a mother, I know this for a fact, but that doesn't mean I should force my husband into sacrifice to make it happen. He's already given up so much. So much work and sweat has been poured into this house trying to get it ready. So many sleepless nights listening to me cry myself to sleep over negative test beyond negative test. So much money trying to make everything perfect. So many hardships still to face once this is over and we're finally licensed and a child is placed with us, and then taken away. I know it will be worth it to him in the end, and whatever child comes to us will be the luckiest in the world to count his as a father figure. I only hope he doesn't resent me now for it. Of course I'll never know if he does. He would never want to disappoint me or make me sad. This is my dream and he's following me into it. I hope he's as excited as he says he is. I need to stop borrowing troubles. That's just what's on my mind tonight.