2 little birds sat at my window

And they told me you don't have to worry.


I would just like to say, I find myself to be very artist. Like, I've impressed people in the past, IMPRESSED people. But I have found my crafty artsy kryptonite. You see, it all started with a birthday party. One of those painting parties at a local shop called Works of Art. Everyone gets together and picks a picture to paint then the teacher person tells you how to do it. Well, I'm gonna just say, I picked the wrong photo for a first timer. I suppose I needed something with a little more.... structure. At least something with more of an answer of "Whatever you want." to my question of "What do I do now?". I'm putting it down now. I'm stating it for the world to see. I am not a painter.
That's not to say, I'll never be a painter. After crashing and burning (in my eyes, everyone else says it's a cute painting, although they are being far too nice) I have decided to go back and try again. Something with a bit more purpose this time. I will conquer this goal! They have couples night as well so maybe I can talk Ran into painting with me. I know he'll be amazing at it. He's quite the little artist. He's great at drawing and pastels. I'm sure painting would come just as easily to him. Teresa's turned out lovely as you can see by this photo! Mine.... well, I'll get better. :)

Finding me

It's been a long 17 months. 17 months of planning a growing family. 17 months of it still being just the two of us. 17 months of questioning. 17 months of waiting. Waiting to change something about me or my life in fear of screwing up my desires for the future. The truth of the matter is that I've lost myself in my journey to expanding our family. I won't do any major remodeling to the craft room in fear that it would ruin the nursery, and while it may make me happy now I may regret it later. That is just the smallest of the things I deny myself at this point. I stop myself from doing anything I may regret later. All it's getting me is regretting my life now. I am a shell of a person waiting for another human being to fill me back up.
Let me just say right now, I really like LBJ. Like a lot. I think she's pretty darn great. She plays hard and loves harder and only gets sad for other people. She's big hearted and would give the shoes off her feet to someone who needs them. I miss her. So much. She was silly. She was fun. I'm just sad and angry.
But you have to understand, my arms are so empty, and my heart is too. I'm achy and I don't know how to make it stop. I've been taught a lot of things in my 24 years, and I've learned even more on my own, but one thing I've never figured out is how to let go of a dream, to smother a desire, to tell yourself.... it just may not happen.
You see, I am a dreamer. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's everything about me. When you take a dreamer's dreams away, well, there is simply nothing left.
Some days are better than others. I make it sound like I'm always sad, and I'm really not. Sadness is not in my nature so it's taken some getting used to letting it in. In fact generally, I'm quite happy most of the time. I have an amazing husband. Sadly, he's living with an empty dreamer, a sad optimist. All things considered, he's doing really well. He loves me. I've never doubted it. I never will. He tries so hard. I wish I'd let him in a little more. It's hard to let someone into your sadness. In part it's to protect myself, but mostly it's to protect him. I don't want him to know this pain. That's simply not fair. But I love that boy. He is my smile. He's what keeps me above water, always. I've got 2 dogs that, to them, I'm their world. It's a lot of pressure, but I relish in it. It feels good to nurture them, even though I lose my patience all too often. They are consistent. They are stable. They are two small rocks that keep me grounded. One of the most important things in my life, and arguably the thing that has forced me to be better as a person, is my business. It is the closest thing to a baby I have and I treat it as such. I love my business, more than I love most people, and it has kept me pushing forward, it refuses to let me lay in bed and cry every day. It gives me goals, successes, and yes, failures, but it gives, and that's exactly what I need it to do. It forces me to step outside, to be around people, to put myself second, to be okay. It has helped me push forward. God knew what he was doing when he let Olive Photos work out the way it did. It bears her name and like she does, it gives me a higher purpose. It has been my saving grace.
I have a good life. Even though I feel like a shell of my former self, it is no one's fault but my own. I am happy. I am blessed. I'm just empty. And for now, sadly, that just has to be okay. But I will find her again. I'm taking those steps and when I do find her, I won't let her get away. Not this time. Not again. Not ever again.