I truly don't know how to feel at this moment in time. I'm hurt, angry, frustrated, excited, guilty.

I went to the OBGYN today with Heather to get her checked out. When we were in Dr. Richmond's office he was talking about the symptoms of PCOS with her. "Do you have odd hair growth? No. *yes.* Do you have saver acne on your face and body? No. *Yes.* Do you have hypoglycemia? No. *YES!*" All I could do was hang my head and struggle to not cry. All I could say was, "Oh my God." He just looked at me. "I have all those things." "You need to set up an appointment."

But I have endometriosis. I've been labeled since I was 14. They haven't fixed it. I'm not better. But I have a label. A label that explained my problem. Not well. Not all of them, but it gave the monster a name. It couldn't be the wrong name. Too many things have been affected for it to be the wrong thing.
I look at the symptoms and it's pretty much all there, in black and white. My problems. My pain. Why? Why couldn't they have told me this 11 years ago? They could have fixed me. I wouldn't have spent the last 11 years in pain and sick. I wouldn't have spend the last 2 years torturing myself month after month with not getting pregnant. I wouldn't have lost my daughter.

I know I could have still lost her, but at least she would have had a fighting chance if we'd known the problem. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I feel cheated.

At the same time, I have a flicker of hope. An excitement I haven't felt in almost a year. What if this is it? What if this is the answer? The end of my journey? What if baby Johnson isn't so far away. What if there was still a chance? And then the guilt sets in.

Birdie. If I get pregnant, how much farther into the foster process will we go until later? Sure, years from now, once our child is a little older, it's something I have my heart set to do, but what changes if a child comes sooner rather than later? What happens after we complete the classes, we complete the interviews, we're on our way to being licensed and those 2 pink lines show up? The ones I thought would never come? The ones I had peace that I would never see. What then? It wouldn't be fair to put a foster child in second fiddle. It wouldn't be fair to deny our child of the one on one attention when they get here. I just don't know. I'm so torn. And then the fear on top of that set in. What if I start treatments, and plan to get pregnant, and it still doesn't happen. Just because we get answers doesn't mean we'll get solutions.

My heart is in a million places right now. I feel a million things. My identity is being question. My label may be wrong. A word I've worn for the better part of my life could change. A word I've only recently gotten settled into (foster mom) is being questioned.

What do I do? How do I feel? Who am I?