Sunday, November 27
This has been such a week of up and downs. I woke up the day after Thanksgiving to welcome month 18 with not so open arms. 18 months. I just can't believe it. A year and a half. We've offically been trying to have a baby for a year and a half. Not one step closer to that goal than we were on day one. It hurts. It really does. My arms ache, my heart aches, I ache. It's something I can't explain, the words aren't there. It's an emptyness. A hole that nothing can fill. The knowlege that that hole may never been filled. I don't think it could be understood by anyone unless they've been through it, and that isn't something I'd wish on anyone.
Wednesday, November 2
Photo Blog!
So if you keep up with my blog at all you know that I don't post anything for a while then I blow up blogger in one night catching up on everything. It's just my style I suppose. I would love to blog every single day like my dear friend Katie, but alas I'd much rather waste my precious time on Facebook. Tonight I'd like to show off some fabulous photos of my love and I taken by my dear friends Joel and Andy! We had a fabulous flash lesson after one of our Gadsden Area Photographers meetings. So without further ado, yours truly and my hottie of a hubby!
And I can't forget about my two favorite camera carrying guys, Joel and Andy!
And the always fabulous Leah!
And here's one just to make you giggle!
Tuesday, November 1
Month of Thankfulness- Day 1
Today marked the first day of November therefore the most thankful month of the year. Fall is a fairly rough time for me and I feel like posting everyday for the next 30 days one thing I'm thankful for will help bring my mood up and challenge me on days I'm not feeling so great about things. Of course this should be something I do all the time not just one month a year, but every journey starts with one step.
Day 1- Today I'm thankful for my mom and her never ending patience and love for me. I know she thinks it often goes unnoticed, but it never does. Even though we don't see eye to eye on most things, she is still the woman I look up to and will always come to for advice and when I just need to talk. She is my definition of strength and I don't tell her that nearly enough. She's been through more than a woman should ever have to, but I hope she knows how beautiful she has come out on the other side. I love you, Nancey Ward. I'm thankful that you are you.
Halloween Round up!
We've had a lot of fun the past few weeks leading up to Randy's favorite holiday of the year! Halloween! I'm not a huge fan of the holiday, simply because I'm a huge wimp, but he just lights up at the signs of orange lights, pumpkins, and dead things hanging from store windows and that makes me glad for him. If I could get rid of every guy in a Micheal Myers mask and the countless number of people who like to jump out and scream and all those other things that send my nerves over the edge, I would enjoy this 'preholiday' (in my book anyway) much much more! We actually had 3 big Halloween events this year and that is 2 more than I usually do! :)
First we went to a Witches Ball in Birmingham with Kelly and good times were had all around. Randy and Kelly more so than me, but it was fun. Randy had on creepy zombie makeup and I was my usual cute self, only this time dressed as a bar maid. It didn't suit my personality (or my chest for that matter) but I pulled it off. Kelly won the ladies costumed contest in her Fangtasia outfit and her sister Stephanie and her husband Corey won the couples contest as Shrek and Fiona. A-dorable! We're trying to think up a big group costume next year to rakeup some more wins, but so far we can't agree on much. We'll see how it ends up going.
2nd on our list of Hallween hububs was the 2nd Annual Zombie Walk (and Pub Crawl) on Noble St. Randy doned his Zombie outfit once more, but I didn't go to dress up. I was actually one of 3 event photographers. I think I enjoyed it way more behind the lens! I got a chance to play with my 50mm and I must say, once you learn how to use it... WOW! I'm in LOVE! A HUGE thanks to my dear fellow photog friends Andy and Joel who were the other 2 event photographers and helped me to get some of my best shots yet! They both rock so hard and I am thrilled to count them in my group of friends!
We had a great time at the Walk (other than Randy getting a bit too tipsy and embarrasing the snot out of me) and I got some GREAT photos!
The night before Halloween we had our 2nd Annual Johnson Halloween party at our house. It is by far my FAVORITE part of the holiday! The year really. I love getting our friends over for parties at our place. Nothing went as planned as usual, but we had fun never the less. The food was awesome and I ate way too much as usual. Taylor by far won best (and creepiest) costume of the night. His devil scared the pants off poor Rachel Berry (Heather). Sam was also a devil, but of a much cuter kind! Rachel was a hottie totty in her gyspy outfit and Erica and Lindsay were a fairy and a pirate! Adreon and Adam joined us this year as poor broke parents (LOL!) and Anthony was Finn! I wore my bar maid outfit (the other one, oh yeah, 2 different bar maid outfits, clever huh? Does it make it ironic that I don't drink?) and Randy was a ghost (who looked more like a feminine product). We had a great time, broke an Xbox, ate a ton, and watched Zombieland. All and all it was a great night!
Last but certainly not least, I had my first mark. party and I must say it was a blast! It was at the always yummy Pink Dessert Bar here in town and while it was (very) expensive it was SOOO good! I got to meet my new cyber friend Katie in person and that was fabulous! It felt like we've known each other for years. When you meet someone and they are a perfect fit to you, you just know. Katie has her own blog called Hems for Her (http://hemsforher.blogspot.com/2011/10/weekend-rake-up.html) and it has been a daily read for me since I found it! She's such an ispiration (and self coined FATshanista!) and I love keeping up with her daily outfits! She makes me want to get out of my tshirt and jeans (or yoga pants if I'm feeling lazy. lol) rut inspite of not always feeling the greatest about my body. It is what it is and I can rock it no matter what size I am. Check out this adorable photo of us! I must say we were both looking quite awesome that night! <3
Tuesday, October 18
2 little birds sat at my window
And they told me you don't have to worry.
I would just like to say, I find myself to be very artist. Like, I've impressed people in the past, IMPRESSED people. But I have found my crafty artsy kryptonite. You see, it all started with a birthday party. One of those painting parties at a local shop called Works of Art. Everyone gets together and picks a picture to paint then the teacher person tells you how to do it. Well, I'm gonna just say, I picked the wrong photo for a first timer. I suppose I needed something with a little more.... structure. At least something with more of an answer of "Whatever you want." to my question of "What do I do now?". I'm putting it down now. I'm stating it for the world to see. I am not a painter.
That's not to say, I'll never be a painter. After crashing and burning (in my eyes, everyone else says it's a cute painting, although they are being far too nice) I have decided to go back and try again. Something with a bit more purpose this time. I will conquer this goal! They have couples night as well so maybe I can talk Ran into painting with me. I know he'll be amazing at it. He's quite the little artist. He's great at drawing and pastels. I'm sure painting would come just as easily to him. Teresa's turned out lovely as you can see by this photo! Mine.... well, I'll get better. :)
I would just like to say, I find myself to be very artist. Like, I've impressed people in the past, IMPRESSED people. But I have found my crafty artsy kryptonite. You see, it all started with a birthday party. One of those painting parties at a local shop called Works of Art. Everyone gets together and picks a picture to paint then the teacher person tells you how to do it. Well, I'm gonna just say, I picked the wrong photo for a first timer. I suppose I needed something with a little more.... structure. At least something with more of an answer of "Whatever you want." to my question of "What do I do now?". I'm putting it down now. I'm stating it for the world to see. I am not a painter.
That's not to say, I'll never be a painter. After crashing and burning (in my eyes, everyone else says it's a cute painting, although they are being far too nice) I have decided to go back and try again. Something with a bit more purpose this time. I will conquer this goal! They have couples night as well so maybe I can talk Ran into painting with me. I know he'll be amazing at it. He's quite the little artist. He's great at drawing and pastels. I'm sure painting would come just as easily to him. Teresa's turned out lovely as you can see by this photo! Mine.... well, I'll get better. :)
Finding me
It's been a long 17 months. 17 months of planning a growing family. 17 months of it still being just the two of us. 17 months of questioning. 17 months of waiting. Waiting to change something about me or my life in fear of screwing up my desires for the future. The truth of the matter is that I've lost myself in my journey to expanding our family. I won't do any major remodeling to the craft room in fear that it would ruin the nursery, and while it may make me happy now I may regret it later. That is just the smallest of the things I deny myself at this point. I stop myself from doing anything I may regret later. All it's getting me is regretting my life now. I am a shell of a person waiting for another human being to fill me back up.
Let me just say right now, I really like LBJ. Like a lot. I think she's pretty darn great. She plays hard and loves harder and only gets sad for other people. She's big hearted and would give the shoes off her feet to someone who needs them. I miss her. So much. She was silly. She was fun. I'm just sad and angry.
But you have to understand, my arms are so empty, and my heart is too. I'm achy and I don't know how to make it stop. I've been taught a lot of things in my 24 years, and I've learned even more on my own, but one thing I've never figured out is how to let go of a dream, to smother a desire, to tell yourself.... it just may not happen.
You see, I am a dreamer. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's everything about me. When you take a dreamer's dreams away, well, there is simply nothing left.
Some days are better than others. I make it sound like I'm always sad, and I'm really not. Sadness is not in my nature so it's taken some getting used to letting it in. In fact generally, I'm quite happy most of the time. I have an amazing husband. Sadly, he's living with an empty dreamer, a sad optimist. All things considered, he's doing really well. He loves me. I've never doubted it. I never will. He tries so hard. I wish I'd let him in a little more. It's hard to let someone into your sadness. In part it's to protect myself, but mostly it's to protect him. I don't want him to know this pain. That's simply not fair. But I love that boy. He is my smile. He's what keeps me above water, always. I've got 2 dogs that, to them, I'm their world. It's a lot of pressure, but I relish in it. It feels good to nurture them, even though I lose my patience all too often. They are consistent. They are stable. They are two small rocks that keep me grounded. One of the most important things in my life, and arguably the thing that has forced me to be better as a person, is my business. It is the closest thing to a baby I have and I treat it as such. I love my business, more than I love most people, and it has kept me pushing forward, it refuses to let me lay in bed and cry every day. It gives me goals, successes, and yes, failures, but it gives, and that's exactly what I need it to do. It forces me to step outside, to be around people, to put myself second, to be okay. It has helped me push forward. God knew what he was doing when he let Olive Photos work out the way it did. It bears her name and like she does, it gives me a higher purpose. It has been my saving grace.
I have a good life. Even though I feel like a shell of my former self, it is no one's fault but my own. I am happy. I am blessed. I'm just empty. And for now, sadly, that just has to be okay. But I will find her again. I'm taking those steps and when I do find her, I won't let her get away. Not this time. Not again. Not ever again.
Let me just say right now, I really like LBJ. Like a lot. I think she's pretty darn great. She plays hard and loves harder and only gets sad for other people. She's big hearted and would give the shoes off her feet to someone who needs them. I miss her. So much. She was silly. She was fun. I'm just sad and angry.
But you have to understand, my arms are so empty, and my heart is too. I'm achy and I don't know how to make it stop. I've been taught a lot of things in my 24 years, and I've learned even more on my own, but one thing I've never figured out is how to let go of a dream, to smother a desire, to tell yourself.... it just may not happen.
You see, I am a dreamer. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's everything about me. When you take a dreamer's dreams away, well, there is simply nothing left.
Some days are better than others. I make it sound like I'm always sad, and I'm really not. Sadness is not in my nature so it's taken some getting used to letting it in. In fact generally, I'm quite happy most of the time. I have an amazing husband. Sadly, he's living with an empty dreamer, a sad optimist. All things considered, he's doing really well. He loves me. I've never doubted it. I never will. He tries so hard. I wish I'd let him in a little more. It's hard to let someone into your sadness. In part it's to protect myself, but mostly it's to protect him. I don't want him to know this pain. That's simply not fair. But I love that boy. He is my smile. He's what keeps me above water, always. I've got 2 dogs that, to them, I'm their world. It's a lot of pressure, but I relish in it. It feels good to nurture them, even though I lose my patience all too often. They are consistent. They are stable. They are two small rocks that keep me grounded. One of the most important things in my life, and arguably the thing that has forced me to be better as a person, is my business. It is the closest thing to a baby I have and I treat it as such. I love my business, more than I love most people, and it has kept me pushing forward, it refuses to let me lay in bed and cry every day. It gives me goals, successes, and yes, failures, but it gives, and that's exactly what I need it to do. It forces me to step outside, to be around people, to put myself second, to be okay. It has helped me push forward. God knew what he was doing when he let Olive Photos work out the way it did. It bears her name and like she does, it gives me a higher purpose. It has been my saving grace.
I have a good life. Even though I feel like a shell of my former self, it is no one's fault but my own. I am happy. I am blessed. I'm just empty. And for now, sadly, that just has to be okay. But I will find her again. I'm taking those steps and when I do find her, I won't let her get away. Not this time. Not again. Not ever again.
Friday, March 11
Simon Says
'Ello!
Thursday, March 10
Small Blessings
I have has such a wonderfully quiet day filled with small blessings, which honestly are the greatest ones! Randy got a second job today working just 12 more hours a week, but it's going to bring in some much needed extra money and won't get in the way of our home time too much and his weekend job has promised to move him to morning shift only instead of swing shift. This is such a HUGE relief. He was working until midnight on Sunday then getting up to take a test in Jacksonville at 7am on Mondays and it just really wasn't working for him and it was taking it toll on him and his grades. We really needed the extra money right now so this is so fantastic!
I also found the final photos that were lost but not delivered from my external. I have to completely re edit but I'm just so glad to have them back! I know Angela and Katlyn are even more excited than me! lol I have cried and cried over these photos. I've felt so guilty and unprofessional for the hard drive breaking. This has been such a blessing and a huge self esteem boost!
This is the smallest little blessing, and I'm sure some wouldn't see it as a blessing at all, but it made me smile and it made me happy and that's good enough for me. :) I had to get some security envelopes to mail out contracts and found some on clearance with pink breast cancer awareness ribbons as the security design. Like I said it's the small things you have to be thankful for. They simply made me happy.
I've been looking over baby gear all day. I figure I know I'll get pregnant eventually and I want to be prepared as possible so we won't have any worries when the time comes. I found the pattern I want for our stuff. It's called Bumble and it's by Carters. Perfect for boy or girl. Yellow and grey with bees. I didn't want animals or anything like that, but so far it's the only thing I've even remotely liked. I know I want a grey and yellow and black theme running through out. Boy or girl. :) Like I said, it's the small things you have to smile about. :)
Tuesday, March 8
Dear Baby,
Today Daddy and I went to see a doctor because we've been trying for a very long time to get you here and we just can't do it on our own. It wasn't fun, baby, but I want you to know that I will stop at nothing to meet you. I will do everything it takes to have you here in our lives. I love you so much already, and even though I don't know you yet, I know I be blessed to know you soon. You are so precious to me. Daddy and I talk about you often and we can't wait to see who you are and the things you like and what interests you and who you are going to grow up to be. No matter who you grow up to be, you will be loved. So loved. We are all anxiously waiting on you down here. Gamma, Gigi, Papa, and of course me and Daddy. We've been preparing for you for a while now. You have lots of cute clothes waiting on you and a special blanket picked with you in mind. I love you, baby. There really isn't much more than that to say at this point, but I just wanted you to know, we've taken the first step on our journey to you. It's going to be a long scary journey, but knowing you'll be at the end makes it all worth while. I'll never give up. I love you.
Mommy
Our Doctor Visit
Let me just start off by saying, I have heard terrible things about the Health Department. Not just ours, all government run health departments. I've heard they are dirty, loud, in bad parts of town, and other awful things. I've even heard that the doctors there are so awful they along will make you loose your child. Yep. That is why I've never been to the Health Department. Well, today I put on my big girl panties and I went to the health department. Let me just tell you, it was the best experience I've ever had in a doctors' office in my life. It was nice and clean and I was in and out in 2 hours. That seems like a while but I had to fill out new patient paperwork, go through a Medicaid consult, have blood work done, get a pap smear and apply for PlanFirst Medicaid. My waits in each waiting room were no more than 10 minutes max. The people were so kind and I was never made to feel like a bad person for being there. They were supportive and they listened to me and the best part, a different nurse would come in and say "Aw, you're trying to have a baby? That's wonderful." I didn't have to repeat myself a hundred times and they cared about why I was there. It wasn't about the money. They generally cared. I can not tell you how good it was to hear "Yes, there is something wrong. You have tried enough and you are doing everything right. Let's see what we can do to fix this." I know I'm not crazy. I knew something in my body wasn't right and it wasn't because God didn't want me to get pregnant, or that I wasn't being patient enough, or that I wasn't believing in the magical fairy dust enough, that something wasn't right. I knew it. Yes, I'm sure people are out there that just need to calm down and boom they get knocked up. Those people aren't me. I've had issues since I was 12 with endometriosis and it's been nearly 6 years since my last checkup. It feels to good to know I was right to be worried.
I didn't cry when they drew my blood (this seriously was a big worry) but they did have to use a peds butterfly needle and go through the top of my arm to be able find a vein. I did on the other hand tear up at the pap. Wow. That was kinda rough. The lady told me that she thinks I have scar tissue in my tubes and if I get accepted into the Plan First program I can see Dr. Daniels about treatment. I may have to have another surgery to get rid of the scar tissue, but hopefully after that we should be able to easily get pregnant. It will be amazing. It will take 2 weeks to find out if we qualify for the program. After that I'll have wait to get an appointment with the Dr. and from there find out the steps we need to take to get the ball rolling. I feel so much peace knowing we have options and a way to get past this. I wish I hadn't waited this long to ask for help. We could already have our little bit on the way. But I'm so grateful that we have information now and I'm hoping this leads us to exactly the goal we have been working so hard for.
Fingers crossed we get approved. If not this all stops here and I'm not sure what we'll do.
Encouragement.
Lauryn Brook Johnson AMEN! I hate that I have to justify myself to anyone at all. I have no shame in what I am doing. NONE what so ever. I am not getting a paycheck from the government (unlike the person sending me this), I am using a benefit to apply for HEALTHCARE that I haven't qualified for in almost 6 years!10 hours ago · · 1 person
Brittany Wills Lauryn, I have learned that sometimes it is best not to put too much information on Facebook. People are going to judge no matter what so just don't put everything out there. I get mad sometimes that everyone is in my business and then I realize it's because I put it out there. I am on your side and believe she is wrong but people are always going to voice their opinions, right or wrong.9 hours ago · · 1 person
Rebecca Barnhill there is no shame in that! people are ridiculous and love to find anything they can to complain about. you keep doing what you're doing!9 hours ago · · 1 person
Tina Jones Garrett Lauryn...sometimes people are just stupid....one of my self-invented quotes: "you can't argue with stupid and you can't change stupid"....hang in there!9 hours ago · · 2 people- Lauryn Brook JohnsonThat's very true, Britt. The reason I got FB was to keep in contact with friends after high school. When we couldn't be close to keep up with their life and give them a way to keep up with mine. Unfortunately some people feel like since I a...See More9 hours ago · · 1 person
- Lauryn Brook Johnson And thank God, you and so many others have proved, true friends are nothing I am short of!!!! ♥ I was so excited about today until all this happened. I'm choosing to continue to be excited about the possible opportunity instead of letting any more negativity bringing me down.9 hours ago · · 1 person
Kelly Palmer I told you that Michael Tolcher always makes me think of you....to quote him on this one "Don't let the bitters bring you down"9 hours ago ·
Jeremy N Brittany MitchellWow...Why do people think they have the right to put their nose and opinion into other peoples business? Lauryn I dont know you that well but from what I do know..you are one of the nicest people I have ever met and you can tell right off w...See More9 hours ago · · 2 people
Meagan Grimmett Clayton Your doing the right thing, by seeking medical help AND by using financial help to do so. You paid into it. Why not use it? That's what it's there for. Don't listen to haters, LB. You do whatever you need to do to become a mommy, and you'll be a great one. There's no shame in using what you have every right to use! Keep your eye on the prize - a beautiful, healthy baby to call your own. :)9 hours ago · · 2 people
Ciji Kiker wow people really have some nerve now a days! you handled that alot better than I would have!9 hours ago ·- Lauryn Brook JohnsonThank you so much Brittany, that means so much to me. I try so hard to be the kind of person that encourages others when they are in need. I don't have time to judge people. I'm too busy loving them. ;)
I think so too, Meg. The program was p...See More9 hours ago · · 1 person 
Heather Bridges Hester Hells yea Brook u tell her!! I got ur back....u say the smart things and I'll jump in with the "yeah, bitch!" and whatever other cuss words that are needed lol!9 hours ago · · 1 person- Lauryn Brook JohnsonI know, Sarah!!! You've been telling me forever! I've honestly just been so scared. I'm still scared. I terrified what they may say, but then again, I may get GREAT news that will end all of the problems I've been having. I have to go alone...See More9 hours ago ·
Sarah Mc I don't get why wic and Medicaid get a bad rap, there's a ton of govt programs that help people, who deserve help, get what they need. It's why they've been set up! Nobody deserves a guilt trip for using a program that's been set up to help! I'm sure that bitch didn't mind if she qualified for the tax credits for her kids she got or any other program that she or her family have ever qualified for! I'm gonna need for people to not judge for things that they've done themselves.8 hours ago ·- Lauryn Brook Johnson Sarah, she currently draws a disability check and doesn't work..... cast the first stone, right?8 hours ago ·
- Lauryn Brook Johnson Yep. I wish her no harm, just glad to have her toxic words out of my life. I'm purging the negativity and going into tomorrow with a positive mind and heart. I'm scared to death, but at least I can finally get answers.8 hours ago · · 1 person
Karen G. I Love You! I pray you get what you've been wanting for so long. I know you will be the most amazing mother. If you need me I am off until Thursday. You can call any time.7 hours ago ·
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Because I know people like to be nosy and because I stand behind every single thing I said to her. I resent the comment posted later by her that I am 'using' the government because I am 'too lazy' to work. Actually, I have the privilege of staying home right now and getting to put things in order for our journey to come while also doing something I love and using it to give back to others. I am NOT being lazy.
Rebecca Barnhill you don't owe anyone an explanation! it's no one's damn business!