I truly don't know how to feel at this moment in time. I'm hurt, angry, frustrated, excited, guilty.
I went to the OBGYN today with Heather to get her checked out. When we were in Dr. Richmond's office he was talking about the symptoms of PCOS with her. "Do you have odd hair growth? No. *yes.* Do you have saver acne on your face and body? No. *Yes.* Do you have hypoglycemia? No. *YES!*" All I could do was hang my head and struggle to not cry. All I could say was, "Oh my God." He just looked at me. "I have all those things." "You need to set up an appointment."
But I have endometriosis. I've been labeled since I was 14. They haven't fixed it. I'm not better. But I have a label. A label that explained my problem. Not well. Not all of them, but it gave the monster a name. It couldn't be the wrong name. Too many things have been affected for it to be the wrong thing.
I look at the symptoms and it's pretty much all there, in black and white. My problems. My pain. Why? Why couldn't they have told me this 11 years ago? They could have fixed me. I wouldn't have spent the last 11 years in pain and sick. I wouldn't have spend the last 2 years torturing myself month after month with not getting pregnant. I wouldn't have lost my daughter.
I know I could have still lost her, but at least she would have had a fighting chance if we'd known the problem. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I feel cheated.
At the same time, I have a flicker of hope. An excitement I haven't felt in almost a year. What if this is it? What if this is the answer? The end of my journey? What if baby Johnson isn't so far away. What if there was still a chance? And then the guilt sets in.
Birdie. If I get pregnant, how much farther into the foster process will we go until later? Sure, years from now, once our child is a little older, it's something I have my heart set to do, but what changes if a child comes sooner rather than later? What happens after we complete the classes, we complete the interviews, we're on our way to being licensed and those 2 pink lines show up? The ones I thought would never come? The ones I had peace that I would never see. What then? It wouldn't be fair to put a foster child in second fiddle. It wouldn't be fair to deny our child of the one on one attention when they get here. I just don't know. I'm so torn. And then the fear on top of that set in. What if I start treatments, and plan to get pregnant, and it still doesn't happen. Just because we get answers doesn't mean we'll get solutions.
My heart is in a million places right now. I feel a million things. My identity is being question. My label may be wrong. A word I've worn for the better part of my life could change. A word I've only recently gotten settled into (foster mom) is being questioned.
What do I do? How do I feel? Who am I?
As always, we keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteWow! That is a lot! You asked for my opinion though and I am going to give it the only way I know how though okay? You know I love you and whatever you decide to do I am going to support a million percent.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, make the appointment. Try not to get your stomach all in knots until you find out for sure what it is. I don't have a lot of information on endemetriosis or PCOS, but is it possible to have both? I know that would be the ultimate in suckitude but it might be the reasoning behind them not catching it sooner. Or maybe PCOS is similar to endemetriosis symptom wise? I have read about women having PCOS and them not catching it until later on in life. Like in their mid 30's or so. Once you know something from your appointment you will have your chance to start looking at treatments and being proactive about your jayjay health. Until then try not to Google it. For almost every lady issue known to man there is a horror story and you don't need that right now. Just try to stay positive because I KNOW that whatever the diagnoses is, no matter how hopeless things might seem, prayers are answered and it is gonna be okay. It might take a lot of hugs and a lot of chocolates, but it will be okay no matter what.
Secondly, I don't think you should put Birdie on the back burner just yet. Keep on keeping on until you just can't anymore. Lots of foster parents have bio kiddies of their own. I know that it might be difficult to do while you are pregnant, especially if you need bed rest, so you might have to take a break until Baby Johnson is here and you are past the up all night newborn stage, but once Baby Johnson is moving around and can be a little bit independent I'm sure that he or she will benefit a lot from having a foster brother or sister. You can do it. If anyone can, its you. BUT if you feel like its too much, take a break for a while until Baby Johnson is even older. Maybe in school. You are young, YOUNG! I think me and you both are having our quarter life crisis so don't think I don't know how you feel (I went out the other day and bought the Olay Regenerist line of face stuff. Including eye cream and the mini peel mask. Omg.) because I do. But believe me, you have PLENTY of time to save the world. I know I am the one that usually preaches LIVE FOR TODAY and everything, but you have to realize that if you are worrying about what you aren't doing with today, then you aren't living for today. Do what you can, and let everything else work itself out. I believe in you.
I also want to say something about Olivia real quick. I know you feel hurt and cheated right now and I would too. I think that you need to take time for yourself to feel it and cry about it some. I know you are a busy bee right now but I hope you are taking time to pamper yourself too. If you let something like this stay inside for too long it will turn from feeling cheated and hurt to feeling regretful and resentful, and you don't want that.
Steve is on spring break so I am more freed up right now until Monday, so if you want to call me you can. We're up from about 9:30am - 5:30pm and then we start bedtime stuff. After that I am free after 8:00pm.
Love love love