Cabin Fever

Well, here we are in 2011. Randy and I celebrated our first 6 months of marriage this past Monday. Well, I say we celebrated, but we actually didn't do anything at all. lol We are currently iced in at my in laws house. Notice I said, iced, not snowed. Yep our giant snow storm has become nothing but ice. Roads have been closed for 3 days now. They opened yesterday and today from noon until 4. I must stay I'm going a bit stir crazy. I do not deal well with being cooped up. I have gotten some Zumba in, so that's great, I need to get back on it today. Teresa made some fantastic homemade hot coco on Monday when we got out of the snow. I'll post a recipe when I get it. I loved going out and getting some photographs in the snow though. I still haven't bothered throwing on any makeup and getting any of Randy and I but I'll make sure I do before it all melts away.



I'm having a bit of a hard time with the whole baby subject. This was the first month I had no doubt in my mind that we were not pregnant. I knew we weren't. Everything was on time, and I was at peace. Then it seems like everyone and their mom either had a baby or announced they were pregnant, and I'm not going to lie, it hurts. Like hell. It's not that I'm not happy for them, I am SO happy for them, but it breaks my heart that it's not me. I hate to feel so jealous but it's hard not to. I feel like I just need to step away from it. I know it may hurt those around me, but I honestly have to give myself time to cope with the situation. That sounds dramatic, and yes it may be, but I'd rather keep my distance than to be bitter, jealous, or mean. Those things just aren't me, but I can feel those emotions inside and that is just something I have to smother. While we are trying I don't want any extra stress and I'm putting it on myself. I have days when I feel like such a failure. Like for some reason I can't do the one thing women were put on this Earth by nature to do. That is a hard pill to swallow. There are only so many times you can hear "It will happen when it's meant to happen" or "When God says it's time, then it's time." or "If you just don't think about it, it will happen." or "You should just enjoy your husband while you can. Babies make life too hard." before you just start tuning everyone out. Yes, when it happens, obviously that is when the powers that be have decided that I am worthy to be a mom. And I enjoy the time I have with my husband every day, but we aren't like most people. We didn't date a few months, get engaged then get married a year after that. We've been together nearly 6 years. We are ready for this next step. We are ready to make our family complete. I will not enjoy my husband any less, or love him any less. Our lives will be different, but oh so much more rewarding. I'm just so ready for it to be my turn. So ready to feel my baby move, to hold them. I'm not having a pity party. Far from it. I want to look back on this blog a year from now and know that I was completely honest with my feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm not going to lie to myself any longer. I can be sad. And that's okay. And one day it will be my turn. And that's okay too.