Plans

We got some news on Friday about Randy's grandmother. She was put in the hospital with pneumonia. While she was there they found out her cancer has now spread to her kidneys and her colon. It's inoperable and there is nothing more that can be done except for pain meds and comfort measures. We thought it would be a matter of days or weeks that we had with her, but luckily they've said we have months. I suppose you are suppose to think of that as a bright side, but really I can't help but think it's drawing out the pain. 4-6 months. That's how long they say she has. They've said it so many times before though. We've said goodbye so many times. Our first Christmas in 2005, Randy and I went to see her for Christmas because we were told it would be her last and he wanted me to meet her. That was over 5 years ago. We were told last Christmas that we shouldn't expect her to make it into the new year. In March Randy and his father went up for Alvin's birthday to say goodbye again. Yet somehow she's always pulled through. She should have passed in 2002 when she had 3 open heart surgeries in one day, or a couple of years later when they diagnosed her with cancer for the first time, but here she is 9 years later, and we are suppose to say goodbye again.

For me, it's tougher this time. Today marks 9 months Randy and I have been trying to get pregnant. Still no luck. Every child in the Johnson family has a blanket, quilted just for them, by his grandmother. 4-6 months. She'll never meet our baby. She'll never get the chance to make that quilt and our baby will miss a vital part of his or her family. I always thought if you could plan things, that everything would work out the way it should, and nothing bad would ever happen. You can't plan things. You don't get final say. I couldn't plan to get pregnant. I can't plan for Fairy to be here when we finally have our baby.

I love the Johnsons' with all my heart. Through them I have gotten my greatest gift in a wonderful man who takes care of me and is my best friend. I hope one day I can give that gift back in a baby to carry on their name. I can only pray they'll all be here to meet them.

Maybe all the plans we made would not work out

But I have no doubt even though it's hard to see

I've got faith in us and I believe in you and me