Wednesday, January 25
Monday, January 23
First Class
So we made it through our first foster class. We came home with oodles of paperwork and a bit of homework for next week, but more importantly, knowing even more this is what we are meant to do. We talked about assessing our own strengths and needs so we can then more easily be able to find the strengths and needs of the children we encounter. Notice I said needs, not weaknesses. Weaknesses can't be changed, needs can always be met. I think that is a very positive way of looking at things. We talked about how each action is linked to a feeling and that it's important that we try to understand what that feeling is and where it's coming from before we choose how to handle the action. Another thing they started us out on right away is the fact that as foster parents we have to remember and keep telling ourselves, this child will go home. I have them for now, but they will go home. Until the judge bangs the gavel terminating parental rights (TPR) and the option of adoption comes open, that child will be going home. That is the goal of foster care, to keep families together. That is something I'm sure I will have to remind myself every day, with every child. They will be going home. Randy and I are also reassessing our age range we will be willing to accept. I am most comfortable with small children, but he would like to branch out into older kids. I told him I'm willing to go to 6 years old. I feel like anything over that will be a little overwhelming for me. We are also taking in the possibility of siblings. Currently we've decided we would like a maximum of 2 children at a time for now. All in all I was very pleased with today's experience and I think Randy was as well. We have a great big notebook to bring back every week with our course material in it. Very official. I love stuff like that. You print out a bunch of stuff and stick it in an organized binder and I'm happy as a clam.
Ever since we started trying for a baby going on 20 months ago, it's always seemed like an unattainable goal. One that was frustrating and hurtful. Since we've started the foster care process I have felt such a peace about it all. A feeling of a greater plan, if you will. I truly do feel like this is where we are meant to be in this season of our life. In this part in our life's journey. I'm blessed to have a strong supportive husband sitting next to me in it all.
Next week we are talking about the foster/adoption experience and what to expect. So looking forward to it! :)
Ever since we started trying for a baby going on 20 months ago, it's always seemed like an unattainable goal. One that was frustrating and hurtful. Since we've started the foster care process I have felt such a peace about it all. A feeling of a greater plan, if you will. I truly do feel like this is where we are meant to be in this season of our life. In this part in our life's journey. I'm blessed to have a strong supportive husband sitting next to me in it all.
Next week we are talking about the foster/adoption experience and what to expect. So looking forward to it! :)
Sunday, January 15
Letter to my Birdie
Dear Birdie,
Home Sweet Home. At least that is what I want to make this for you as long as you'll have us and they will let us have you. I promise I will do my very best to never let you go one minute of one day without knowing how loved you are, how special you are, how deserving you are of a good life. You've been through more in your short time, Baby Bird, than most will go through in their entire lives, and that's okay, because that will make you strong. It will make you appreciate life, and you will be better for it, because people like your FD and others like us will make sure of it. We will make sure you know how lucky you are, how precious life is, and how to be a good person and make the most of it. You will have to be patient with me, Birdie, because you see, I've never been a mommy before, but that doesn't mean I won't do my very best while I have you. I will make your life as easy and wonderful as I can, because you deserve it. You deserve peace and happiness and joy and you will have those things.
I can't wait for you to meet your 'family' here! You will know so many new and neat people and they will all love you and help take care of you too. You will meet Gamma Ward and Gigi and Poppa Johnson. They are very excited to get to know you as well. You will also meet lots of new friends who are like family to us as well. They can be odd, but they are fun and they will think the world of you.
I don't know you yet, Bird, but I know you are out there, and you are waiting for us just as we are waiting for you. I am praying for you. I am praying for your safety, your health, your family. I don't know what will bring you to us, but we will get through it together. I don't know how many of you there will be or how long we will have each one of you, but we will never forget every situation is different, and that you are special and we will treat you as such. We will do our best not to make assumptions because of things we've heard or because of those that may come before you. We will take each day as it comes. Good or bad. We will take each situation one at a time. We will do what is best for you to the best of our ability. We don't know how long you will be with us, be it weeks or years, but never the less you will be apart of our family and you will always have us to lean on.
I'm looking forward to meeting you, my sweet Birdie!
Home Sweet Home. At least that is what I want to make this for you as long as you'll have us and they will let us have you. I promise I will do my very best to never let you go one minute of one day without knowing how loved you are, how special you are, how deserving you are of a good life. You've been through more in your short time, Baby Bird, than most will go through in their entire lives, and that's okay, because that will make you strong. It will make you appreciate life, and you will be better for it, because people like your FD and others like us will make sure of it. We will make sure you know how lucky you are, how precious life is, and how to be a good person and make the most of it. You will have to be patient with me, Birdie, because you see, I've never been a mommy before, but that doesn't mean I won't do my very best while I have you. I will make your life as easy and wonderful as I can, because you deserve it. You deserve peace and happiness and joy and you will have those things.
I can't wait for you to meet your 'family' here! You will know so many new and neat people and they will all love you and help take care of you too. You will meet Gamma Ward and Gigi and Poppa Johnson. They are very excited to get to know you as well. You will also meet lots of new friends who are like family to us as well. They can be odd, but they are fun and they will think the world of you.
I don't know you yet, Bird, but I know you are out there, and you are waiting for us just as we are waiting for you. I am praying for you. I am praying for your safety, your health, your family. I don't know what will bring you to us, but we will get through it together. I don't know how many of you there will be or how long we will have each one of you, but we will never forget every situation is different, and that you are special and we will treat you as such. We will do our best not to make assumptions because of things we've heard or because of those that may come before you. We will take each day as it comes. Good or bad. We will take each situation one at a time. We will do what is best for you to the best of our ability. We don't know how long you will be with us, be it weeks or years, but never the less you will be apart of our family and you will always have us to lean on.
I'm looking forward to meeting you, my sweet Birdie!
Friday, January 13
First Step
I got our foster family application in today. My stomach was full of butterflies then it felt like the butterflies turned to rocks as I read it. It asked a lot about our religion and where we go to church. I am not a religious person in the slightest. I enjoy the fellowship of church and I enjoy hearing the preacher's take on the Bible, but I don't build my life around it. I am however a very spiritual person, and I build my life around the teachings of Jesus Christ. Loving others, being a good person, putting needs of those around me before my own, never turning away a person in need, helping in anyway and every way I can, giving of myself. That is my religion. That's hard to put down on a piece of paper. I know that's not what they are looking for. I know they are looking for "Lauryn Johnson- Baptist, Eulation First Baptist", but I can't be defined on one line like that. They are asking about Randy's religious beliefs as well. He was brought up Church of Christ, but he no longer attends church. Not because he has anything against it, but he works every Sunday, and if he's not working he's sleeping. We are good people. We are loving people. We would be an attribute to their program, but what if these details of our personal life aren't good enough for them.
The letter says to expect the process to take up to 6 months for interviews and home studies to be completed but they try to expedite the wait to make it as short as they can.
We are choosing ages 0-4. I think it will be a great age range for us. I am also choosing to accept a boy or a girl. I am completely open. If a child needs me, I'll be there.
Thursday, January 12
Day 3- Nails on a chalk board
Day 3- Your top 5 pet peeves
Oooh.... this one is fun! In no particular order, 5 things that drive me up the wall:
Chronic Coughing/Sneezing- OH my word. If I'm around someone and they won't stop continuing to cough or sneeze it drives me crazy! I've literally told Ran to shut up or go into another room. How the heck am I going to handle a kid, right? LOL! I can't help it. The noise grates my nerves, it's the oddest thing.
Slow drivers- Okay, I'm a speeder. I admit it. It's not a good thing to be, but I don't enjoy spending my time in a car. People who go 5 or more miles UNDER the speed limit that are driving in front of me have no idea the things being screamed at them from my car.
Overly (and unnecessarily) hostile people- Lewis Black. Nuff said.
The 'N' word and other aggressive language- I'm not into racism. It's sucks.
Thrift Stores that forget they get their stuff for free so they mark it up to what you can by it in the store for- Oxford. Yep.
I'm sure there are other things, but really I had a hard time coming up with a list. Are all these things considered pet peeves? What are your pet peeves?
Oooh.... this one is fun! In no particular order, 5 things that drive me up the wall:
Chronic Coughing/Sneezing- OH my word. If I'm around someone and they won't stop continuing to cough or sneeze it drives me crazy! I've literally told Ran to shut up or go into another room. How the heck am I going to handle a kid, right? LOL! I can't help it. The noise grates my nerves, it's the oddest thing.
Slow drivers- Okay, I'm a speeder. I admit it. It's not a good thing to be, but I don't enjoy spending my time in a car. People who go 5 or more miles UNDER the speed limit that are driving in front of me have no idea the things being screamed at them from my car.
Overly (and unnecessarily) hostile people- Lewis Black. Nuff said.
The 'N' word and other aggressive language- I'm not into racism. It's sucks.
Thrift Stores that forget they get their stuff for free so they mark it up to what you can by it in the store for- Oxford. Yep.
I'm sure there are other things, but really I had a hard time coming up with a list. Are all these things considered pet peeves? What are your pet peeves?
Support
Wow. There was such an overwhelming response to our announcement on FB today. I had to keep them so I would never forget!
I was up til 4 am making a list. A list of all these things that have to get done within the next 2 weeks, because on January 23, Randy and I start our foster care classes with the Alabama Baptist Children's home, and on January 31st we have our first home walk through (that was what the phone call was about yesterday). I'm asking for so many prayers. The house is a long way from finished, but I really think we can do it, because I think this is where I'm suppose to be. I think this is the path I'm meant for, God has only been waiting on me to start walking it. I'm going to be selling off a ton of stuff, please open your hearts and see if there is anything you may like to have. Everything will go to our "foster fund", getting the house ready and the supplies needed to create a space perfect for a child birth-5 years. Anyone who has been through this, please message me. Stories, tips, what to expect, anything would help. Most importantly, pray. Everything has lined up perfectly for this to happen, we only have a little work to push it the rest of the way.
Kristina Shetter, Star Saly and 30 others like this.
Tara Lynne Lingle I am so excited for you!!! Judith Blankenship Thompson is a social worker who used to do in home stuff for foster parents, you know!
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Andy Shelton This rocks. I was SO happy when you told me about this. If there's anything I can do to help get the house ready, or anything at all you guys know where I'm at. Also, I'm totally calling dibs on family portraits. Facebook keeps everything, so that ish is on record! :)
I know both of ya'll would totally rock this out! You deserve this chance, and there's a child right now that deserves you guys. I know the pieces of that puzzle will fall into place. :)
9 hours ago · Unlike · 3
Brook Haywood Owen Funny story! The first walk thru we had was 2 weeks before our son was to be born. We had ripped out the floors and toilets in our renovation. The SW joked about having to use a 5 gal bucket in the yard because we had no toilets working! Luckily, it was just for 2 days, but oh,my! COuld the timing have been worse? THe visit went well, and 2 weeks later we welcomed our little man home. The next home visit, the SW got to meet him - he was 3 months old. God bless, my friend, in this new journey! Sending prayers and love your way!
9 hours ago · Like
Lauryn Brook Johnson Andy, you just made me cry! Hopefully in 11-12 weeks time we'll be dragging a muchkin to Wake and Bake Wednesdays. I'm so very lucky, no whatever child is placed with us, is so very lucky that I have an amazing group of friends that it will be around!
And yes, we will need help! I have house projects on my list!!! LOL!
9 hours ago · Like
Lauryn Brook Johnson Brook..... ripping out the flooring in the bathroom is actually on my list for the next 2 weeks! HA! Maybe I'll wait until after the first! I'll have a lot more time on the other side of the first walk through!
9 hours ago · Like
Kristina Brown That's awesome Lauryn!!! Congratulations and good luck with everything : )
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Rachel Belk Pearson Yay!!! Congrats!! If you need any help with the room, just let me know! I love that kind of stuff.
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Andy Shelton Hey, now, don't go crying. I don't handle girls crying well at all.
Seriously though, just let me know what ya'll wanna do and we'll get it done. I'm sure Joel would be down as well...;) (hows that for putting someone on the spot?) lol.
9 hours ago · Like
April List Oh Lauryn! You are such an amazing girl! I wish you the best and I'm keeping fingers crossed and prayers going up!
9 hours ago · Like
Samantha LeAnn Tibbs This is vrry exciting. I'll keep you two in my prayers. I was a foster child and adopted so this always touches my heart.
9 hours ago via mobile · Like
Rachel Belk Pearson oh yeah...CONVERTIBLE CRIB!!! It can be a crib, a toddler bed, or a "big kid" bed. One price, three beds!
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Lauryn Brook Johnson Yes, Rach! We're looking for a convertible crib and a dresser that can be a changing table!
Samantha, I didn't know that about you! That is amazing!
9 hours ago · Like
Kristin Bryan Wow! That is wonderful!
9 hours ago · Like
Emmalie Ponder Whitney You are welcome to come shopping at my house. I have a ton of baby and kid stuff that we aren't using anymore. I'm going to be doing a big clean out day on Saturday so maybe you can come by Sunday afternoon and see what all I have!! Congratulations and good luck!
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Lauryn Brook Johnson That you so much, Em!! That would help so much!
9 hours ago · Like
Darla Hurst Wegner Prayers are goin up sweetie!!! Be blessed baby grl!
9 hours ago · Like
Jessica Spires If you need any clothing, toys, or blankets, let me know!
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Catherine Smith-walker Wow wow wow wow wow!!!!!
9 hours ago · Like
Stephanie Lindley Prayers Prayers Prayer!!!
9 hours ago · Like
Krystina Dean Stuart splendid, sweet friend! Praying!
8 hours ago · Like
Heather Sutton congrats....big prayers ur way :)
8 hours ago · Like
Robin Otts Rollins Praying for you!
6 hours ago · Like
Kirby Bowman Praying for you girl!! If there is anything I can do to help just call :) maybe we'll be setting up play dates soon :)
6 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Joel Price Yeah, I got a hammer and a back hoe!! Ain't nothing to hard!!!
6 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Lauryn Brook Johnson That's why you and Andy Shelton are my 2 favorite boys in the world other than my husband and my dogs! lol
6 hours ago · Like · 1
Katie Frost Such AWESOME, INCREDIBLE news! I will be praying :)
5 hours ago · Like
Samantha Robertson I'm happy for you girl. While I think having a kid is complete nutso, lol, I know its something you've wanted for a while. Keep me updated...
4 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Kristina Shetter AGH! YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!! I LOOOOOOOOOOVE THIS SO MUCH OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There truly is not enough textual excitement in the world to express how happy this makes me. I think you are doing a WONDERFUL thing and I hope that God uses this to bless you (I know he will!) in IMMEASURABLE ways!!!!!!
I was up til 4 am making a list. A list of all these things that have to get done within the next 2 weeks, because on January 23, Randy and I start our foster care classes with the Alabama Baptist Children's home, and on January 31st we have our first home walk through (that was what the phone call was about yesterday). I'm asking for so many prayers. The house is a long way from finished, but I really think we can do it, because I think this is where I'm suppose to be. I think this is the path I'm meant for, God has only been waiting on me to start walking it. I'm going to be selling off a ton of stuff, please open your hearts and see if there is anything you may like to have. Everything will go to our "foster fund", getting the house ready and the supplies needed to create a space perfect for a child birth-5 years. Anyone who has been through this, please message me. Stories, tips, what to expect, anything would help. Most importantly, pray. Everything has lined up perfectly for this to happen, we only have a little work to push it the rest of the way.
Kristina Shetter, Star Saly and 30 others like this.
Tara Lynne Lingle I am so excited for you!!! Judith Blankenship Thompson is a social worker who used to do in home stuff for foster parents, you know!
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Andy Shelton This rocks. I was SO happy when you told me about this. If there's anything I can do to help get the house ready, or anything at all you guys know where I'm at. Also, I'm totally calling dibs on family portraits. Facebook keeps everything, so that ish is on record! :)
I know both of ya'll would totally rock this out! You deserve this chance, and there's a child right now that deserves you guys. I know the pieces of that puzzle will fall into place. :)
9 hours ago · Unlike · 3
Brook Haywood Owen Funny story! The first walk thru we had was 2 weeks before our son was to be born. We had ripped out the floors and toilets in our renovation. The SW joked about having to use a 5 gal bucket in the yard because we had no toilets working! Luckily, it was just for 2 days, but oh,my! COuld the timing have been worse? THe visit went well, and 2 weeks later we welcomed our little man home. The next home visit, the SW got to meet him - he was 3 months old. God bless, my friend, in this new journey! Sending prayers and love your way!
9 hours ago · Like
Lauryn Brook Johnson Andy, you just made me cry! Hopefully in 11-12 weeks time we'll be dragging a muchkin to Wake and Bake Wednesdays. I'm so very lucky, no whatever child is placed with us, is so very lucky that I have an amazing group of friends that it will be around!
And yes, we will need help! I have house projects on my list!!! LOL!
9 hours ago · Like
Lauryn Brook Johnson Brook..... ripping out the flooring in the bathroom is actually on my list for the next 2 weeks! HA! Maybe I'll wait until after the first! I'll have a lot more time on the other side of the first walk through!
9 hours ago · Like
Kristina Brown That's awesome Lauryn!!! Congratulations and good luck with everything : )
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Rachel Belk Pearson Yay!!! Congrats!! If you need any help with the room, just let me know! I love that kind of stuff.
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Andy Shelton Hey, now, don't go crying. I don't handle girls crying well at all.
Seriously though, just let me know what ya'll wanna do and we'll get it done. I'm sure Joel would be down as well...;) (hows that for putting someone on the spot?) lol.
9 hours ago · Like
April List Oh Lauryn! You are such an amazing girl! I wish you the best and I'm keeping fingers crossed and prayers going up!
9 hours ago · Like
Samantha LeAnn Tibbs This is vrry exciting. I'll keep you two in my prayers. I was a foster child and adopted so this always touches my heart.
9 hours ago via mobile · Like
Rachel Belk Pearson oh yeah...CONVERTIBLE CRIB!!! It can be a crib, a toddler bed, or a "big kid" bed. One price, three beds!
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Lauryn Brook Johnson Yes, Rach! We're looking for a convertible crib and a dresser that can be a changing table!
Samantha, I didn't know that about you! That is amazing!
9 hours ago · Like
Kristin Bryan Wow! That is wonderful!
9 hours ago · Like
Emmalie Ponder Whitney You are welcome to come shopping at my house. I have a ton of baby and kid stuff that we aren't using anymore. I'm going to be doing a big clean out day on Saturday so maybe you can come by Sunday afternoon and see what all I have!! Congratulations and good luck!
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Lauryn Brook Johnson That you so much, Em!! That would help so much!
9 hours ago · Like
Darla Hurst Wegner Prayers are goin up sweetie!!! Be blessed baby grl!
9 hours ago · Like
Jessica Spires If you need any clothing, toys, or blankets, let me know!
9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Catherine Smith-walker Wow wow wow wow wow!!!!!
9 hours ago · Like
Stephanie Lindley Prayers Prayers Prayer!!!
9 hours ago · Like
Krystina Dean Stuart splendid, sweet friend! Praying!
8 hours ago · Like
Heather Sutton congrats....big prayers ur way :)
8 hours ago · Like
Robin Otts Rollins Praying for you!
6 hours ago · Like
Kirby Bowman Praying for you girl!! If there is anything I can do to help just call :) maybe we'll be setting up play dates soon :)
6 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Joel Price Yeah, I got a hammer and a back hoe!! Ain't nothing to hard!!!
6 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Lauryn Brook Johnson That's why you and Andy Shelton are my 2 favorite boys in the world other than my husband and my dogs! lol
6 hours ago · Like · 1
Katie Frost Such AWESOME, INCREDIBLE news! I will be praying :)
5 hours ago · Like
Samantha Robertson I'm happy for you girl. While I think having a kid is complete nutso, lol, I know its something you've wanted for a while. Keep me updated...
4 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Kristina Shetter AGH! YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!! I LOOOOOOOOOOVE THIS SO MUCH OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There truly is not enough textual excitement in the world to express how happy this makes me. I think you are doing a WONDERFUL thing and I hope that God uses this to bless you (I know he will!) in IMMEASURABLE ways!!!!!!
Announcement!
I've got 2 days to catch up on with my 30 blog challenge, I know, but I'll get to it! There has been too many things to get done at Casa Del Johnson! We just got the call yesterday from the Alabama Baptist Children's Home letting us know that we'll be starting our foster care classes on January 23rd and our first home walk through on January 31st! We'll be doing 10 weeks of classes then certifications and hopefully soon after we'll be adding a new munchkin to our family!
There is so much for us to get done in the house! Namely get my office cleaned out and start getting it ready for a child age 0-5. I’ll be selling a lot of stuff and I’ll be throwing away a lot. It needs to be done anyway, we’ll just be doing it express! I was up at 4 this morning making lists of things that needed to get done and things that need to be bought. I’m going to try to do some ‘foster fundraising’ with Olive Photos to try to help with some of the cost. We’ve been very encouraged by friends. Everyone has been so supportive and fabulous! It has really warmed my heart and help some of these butterflies. This is going to be a very big adventure, and I’m so blessed to know that what ever children enter our home are going to have some amazing people to be around! They are going to be some very lucky kids!
I don't want anyone taking this as us no longer trying to biologically have a child. We will still, as we have the last 19 months, do what we thing is best as far as extending our family. I believe there are bigger pictures. Bigger purposes for our lives. I think this is my bigger purpose. I've always said I knew my purpose in life was to be a mother, I just never realized it may not be in the traditional sense. I may be a mother to many. To several who needed a mother where there wouldn't be one otherwise. I'm willing to accept that challenge and be the best at it I can be. I'm looking forward to starting this journey but I'm terrified at the same time. I know this is no easy undertaking. I understand that the children I will encounter will be coming from less than ideal circumstances. I understand that I could pick up a baby from the hospital that has been beaten and burned and abused and I may get a call telling me it's going back to it's parents. But I also understand, that while those children are in my care, in my home, they will be safe. They will be loved, cared for, fed, bathed, and enjoyed and if they have that short time where they can get that, then it will be worth it all to give it to them. I may never wear maternity clothes, but that doesn't mean I will never be a mother.
Mark 9:37 "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me..."
There is so much for us to get done in the house! Namely get my office cleaned out and start getting it ready for a child age 0-5. I’ll be selling a lot of stuff and I’ll be throwing away a lot. It needs to be done anyway, we’ll just be doing it express! I was up at 4 this morning making lists of things that needed to get done and things that need to be bought. I’m going to try to do some ‘foster fundraising’ with Olive Photos to try to help with some of the cost. We’ve been very encouraged by friends. Everyone has been so supportive and fabulous! It has really warmed my heart and help some of these butterflies. This is going to be a very big adventure, and I’m so blessed to know that what ever children enter our home are going to have some amazing people to be around! They are going to be some very lucky kids!
I don't want anyone taking this as us no longer trying to biologically have a child. We will still, as we have the last 19 months, do what we thing is best as far as extending our family. I believe there are bigger pictures. Bigger purposes for our lives. I think this is my bigger purpose. I've always said I knew my purpose in life was to be a mother, I just never realized it may not be in the traditional sense. I may be a mother to many. To several who needed a mother where there wouldn't be one otherwise. I'm willing to accept that challenge and be the best at it I can be. I'm looking forward to starting this journey but I'm terrified at the same time. I know this is no easy undertaking. I understand that the children I will encounter will be coming from less than ideal circumstances. I understand that I could pick up a baby from the hospital that has been beaten and burned and abused and I may get a call telling me it's going back to it's parents. But I also understand, that while those children are in my care, in my home, they will be safe. They will be loved, cared for, fed, bathed, and enjoyed and if they have that short time where they can get that, then it will be worth it all to give it to them. I may never wear maternity clothes, but that doesn't mean I will never be a mother.
Mark 9:37 "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me..."
Tuesday, January 10
Day 2- When I grow up
Day 2- Where would you like to be in 10 years?
What a loaded question. Let's see. I want to be a successful wedding and portrait photographer. I want to have 12 years under my belt and be traveling all over the southeast doing what I love to do. I want to be able to support my family fully with a job I absolutely adore.
I want still be happily married to the same man I'm happily married to right now. Not that I'm expecting not to be, but I know important things like marriage take work, and that is something in the next 10 years I'm committed to do. Work on my marriage. Be happier then that I am now, and continue that every year.
I want to have changed someone's life for the better. I want to, everyday, speak kind words, never be stingy with my smiles, hug as much as I can. I want be the person people go to. I want to love and be loved in return.
More than anything, I want to see myself as a mother in 10 years. Not just a mother, but a good one. One who supports her children in their decisions, who raises them to be good, productive members of society, who teaches them how to love. That is, and has always been my ultimate goal. My 1# 'what I want to be when I grow up". To most people becoming a mother is a simple thing. A missed birth control pill, a simple decision to start 'trying'. For me, it has been a constant 19 month long uphill battle with no end in sight. I know, that day, the day the 2 pink lines show up, the day my baby takes it's first breath, and every day after, my life will be changed for the magnificent.
I suppose my ultimate goal, where I want to be 10 years from today, is happy. I just want to be happy. No matter what that means, no matter what I have to do to get there, I just want my life to be wonderful. Magical. Extraordinary. Everything it deserves to be. I only have one. I should make the best of it.
What a loaded question. Let's see. I want to be a successful wedding and portrait photographer. I want to have 12 years under my belt and be traveling all over the southeast doing what I love to do. I want to be able to support my family fully with a job I absolutely adore.
I want still be happily married to the same man I'm happily married to right now. Not that I'm expecting not to be, but I know important things like marriage take work, and that is something in the next 10 years I'm committed to do. Work on my marriage. Be happier then that I am now, and continue that every year.
I want to have changed someone's life for the better. I want to, everyday, speak kind words, never be stingy with my smiles, hug as much as I can. I want be the person people go to. I want to love and be loved in return.
More than anything, I want to see myself as a mother in 10 years. Not just a mother, but a good one. One who supports her children in their decisions, who raises them to be good, productive members of society, who teaches them how to love. That is, and has always been my ultimate goal. My 1# 'what I want to be when I grow up". To most people becoming a mother is a simple thing. A missed birth control pill, a simple decision to start 'trying'. For me, it has been a constant 19 month long uphill battle with no end in sight. I know, that day, the day the 2 pink lines show up, the day my baby takes it's first breath, and every day after, my life will be changed for the magnificent.
I suppose my ultimate goal, where I want to be 10 years from today, is happy. I just want to be happy. No matter what that means, no matter what I have to do to get there, I just want my life to be wonderful. Magical. Extraordinary. Everything it deserves to be. I only have one. I should make the best of it.
Monday, January 9
Day 1- I wanna hold your hand
1: Your current relationship, if single discuss.
Well I am certainly not single. Ha! I haven't been for nearly 7 years now. Not that I would ever want to be again. Dating seems tiresome, and I love the comfort of my husband. I see a quote all the time on Facebook "He may not be perfect, but he's perfect for you." Well that's the God's honest truth. Randy Johnson is far from perfect, and I remind him of that much more than I should, but he is everything to me. I am crazy. Yes. I said it. I. Am. Crazy. I worry, I stress, I get frustrated over the smallest things, I cry more than a normal human being ever should, my moods literally throw themselves from one extreme to the other. I'm a basket case 80% of the time, but that boy, for some reason unknown to me, is crazy about me, and he PUTS UP with my crazy! Not even because he has to, but he actually LIKES being around me. That amazes me. He makes me feel like a better person. He makes me want to be a better person. He loves me, and I absolutely adore him.
There are days where we are at each others throats. I worry about his safety sometimes. There are days when my crazy finally gets the best of him and he looses his patience with me. We have our downs, but our ups are so so worth every down. We play. We love to play. We love to be silly. We giggle. We laugh. We enjoy each other. He chases me around the house. We slow dance to no music in the kitchen. Although I don't understand it, there is something magic about the two of us. He is my missing piece.
He is my rock. My calm. I am more thankful for him than he'll ever know. I wrote this during our wedding planning process and I mean it more so today than I did 2 years ago.
"I'm ready. Not without fear, but without reservations. I'm ready to walk down the isle. I'm ready to finally, after nearly 5 years, be his wife. He is my best friend. He has been my number one supporter. He has held my hand through my darkest days, and he's been waiting on the other side when I finally find the light again. I know that he is the one set aside for me. I know when I was born, when I was raised, when I grew up, with every choice that I made, and every choice that was made for me, it was all for him. It was all to end up here, at the end of an isle, saying I do, to the one person that was meant to hold my hand for the rest of my life since day one."
Well I am certainly not single. Ha! I haven't been for nearly 7 years now. Not that I would ever want to be again. Dating seems tiresome, and I love the comfort of my husband. I see a quote all the time on Facebook "He may not be perfect, but he's perfect for you." Well that's the God's honest truth. Randy Johnson is far from perfect, and I remind him of that much more than I should, but he is everything to me. I am crazy. Yes. I said it. I. Am. Crazy. I worry, I stress, I get frustrated over the smallest things, I cry more than a normal human being ever should, my moods literally throw themselves from one extreme to the other. I'm a basket case 80% of the time, but that boy, for some reason unknown to me, is crazy about me, and he PUTS UP with my crazy! Not even because he has to, but he actually LIKES being around me. That amazes me. He makes me feel like a better person. He makes me want to be a better person. He loves me, and I absolutely adore him.
There are days where we are at each others throats. I worry about his safety sometimes. There are days when my crazy finally gets the best of him and he looses his patience with me. We have our downs, but our ups are so so worth every down. We play. We love to play. We love to be silly. We giggle. We laugh. We enjoy each other. He chases me around the house. We slow dance to no music in the kitchen. Although I don't understand it, there is something magic about the two of us. He is my missing piece.
He is my rock. My calm. I am more thankful for him than he'll ever know. I wrote this during our wedding planning process and I mean it more so today than I did 2 years ago.
"I'm ready. Not without fear, but without reservations. I'm ready to walk down the isle. I'm ready to finally, after nearly 5 years, be his wife. He is my best friend. He has been my number one supporter. He has held my hand through my darkest days, and he's been waiting on the other side when I finally find the light again. I know that he is the one set aside for me. I know when I was born, when I was raised, when I grew up, with every choice that I made, and every choice that was made for me, it was all for him. It was all to end up here, at the end of an isle, saying I do, to the one person that was meant to hold my hand for the rest of my life since day one."
Sunday, January 8
30 day challenge
Shall we get this party started in a brand new year? One of my (many) new years resolutions was to blog more. I know years from now I'll be thankful for it. I've heard it said it takes 28 days to form a habit so I'm doing a 30 day blog challenge to kick this off. I'm not the best with sticking with things, and I honestly don't think I'll make it all the way through without missing a day here and there, but I will eventually get all 30 things answered, and in the grand scheme of things, isn't that what's most important?
Sunday, November 27
This has been such a week of up and downs. I woke up the day after Thanksgiving to welcome month 18 with not so open arms. 18 months. I just can't believe it. A year and a half. We've offically been trying to have a baby for a year and a half. Not one step closer to that goal than we were on day one. It hurts. It really does. My arms ache, my heart aches, I ache. It's something I can't explain, the words aren't there. It's an emptyness. A hole that nothing can fill. The knowlege that that hole may never been filled. I don't think it could be understood by anyone unless they've been through it, and that isn't something I'd wish on anyone.
Wednesday, November 2
Photo Blog!
So if you keep up with my blog at all you know that I don't post anything for a while then I blow up blogger in one night catching up on everything. It's just my style I suppose. I would love to blog every single day like my dear friend Katie, but alas I'd much rather waste my precious time on Facebook. Tonight I'd like to show off some fabulous photos of my love and I taken by my dear friends Joel and Andy! We had a fabulous flash lesson after one of our Gadsden Area Photographers meetings. So without further ado, yours truly and my hottie of a hubby!
And I can't forget about my two favorite camera carrying guys, Joel and Andy!
And the always fabulous Leah!
And here's one just to make you giggle!
Tuesday, November 1
Month of Thankfulness- Day 1
Today marked the first day of November therefore the most thankful month of the year. Fall is a fairly rough time for me and I feel like posting everyday for the next 30 days one thing I'm thankful for will help bring my mood up and challenge me on days I'm not feeling so great about things. Of course this should be something I do all the time not just one month a year, but every journey starts with one step.
Day 1- Today I'm thankful for my mom and her never ending patience and love for me. I know she thinks it often goes unnoticed, but it never does. Even though we don't see eye to eye on most things, she is still the woman I look up to and will always come to for advice and when I just need to talk. She is my definition of strength and I don't tell her that nearly enough. She's been through more than a woman should ever have to, but I hope she knows how beautiful she has come out on the other side. I love you, Nancey Ward. I'm thankful that you are you.
Halloween Round up!
We've had a lot of fun the past few weeks leading up to Randy's favorite holiday of the year! Halloween! I'm not a huge fan of the holiday, simply because I'm a huge wimp, but he just lights up at the signs of orange lights, pumpkins, and dead things hanging from store windows and that makes me glad for him. If I could get rid of every guy in a Micheal Myers mask and the countless number of people who like to jump out and scream and all those other things that send my nerves over the edge, I would enjoy this 'preholiday' (in my book anyway) much much more! We actually had 3 big Halloween events this year and that is 2 more than I usually do! :)
First we went to a Witches Ball in Birmingham with Kelly and good times were had all around. Randy and Kelly more so than me, but it was fun. Randy had on creepy zombie makeup and I was my usual cute self, only this time dressed as a bar maid. It didn't suit my personality (or my chest for that matter) but I pulled it off. Kelly won the ladies costumed contest in her Fangtasia outfit and her sister Stephanie and her husband Corey won the couples contest as Shrek and Fiona. A-dorable! We're trying to think up a big group costume next year to rakeup some more wins, but so far we can't agree on much. We'll see how it ends up going.
2nd on our list of Hallween hububs was the 2nd Annual Zombie Walk (and Pub Crawl) on Noble St. Randy doned his Zombie outfit once more, but I didn't go to dress up. I was actually one of 3 event photographers. I think I enjoyed it way more behind the lens! I got a chance to play with my 50mm and I must say, once you learn how to use it... WOW! I'm in LOVE! A HUGE thanks to my dear fellow photog friends Andy and Joel who were the other 2 event photographers and helped me to get some of my best shots yet! They both rock so hard and I am thrilled to count them in my group of friends!
We had a great time at the Walk (other than Randy getting a bit too tipsy and embarrasing the snot out of me) and I got some GREAT photos!
The night before Halloween we had our 2nd Annual Johnson Halloween party at our house. It is by far my FAVORITE part of the holiday! The year really. I love getting our friends over for parties at our place. Nothing went as planned as usual, but we had fun never the less. The food was awesome and I ate way too much as usual. Taylor by far won best (and creepiest) costume of the night. His devil scared the pants off poor Rachel Berry (Heather). Sam was also a devil, but of a much cuter kind! Rachel was a hottie totty in her gyspy outfit and Erica and Lindsay were a fairy and a pirate! Adreon and Adam joined us this year as poor broke parents (LOL!) and Anthony was Finn! I wore my bar maid outfit (the other one, oh yeah, 2 different bar maid outfits, clever huh? Does it make it ironic that I don't drink?) and Randy was a ghost (who looked more like a feminine product). We had a great time, broke an Xbox, ate a ton, and watched Zombieland. All and all it was a great night!
Last but certainly not least, I had my first mark. party and I must say it was a blast! It was at the always yummy Pink Dessert Bar here in town and while it was (very) expensive it was SOOO good! I got to meet my new cyber friend Katie in person and that was fabulous! It felt like we've known each other for years. When you meet someone and they are a perfect fit to you, you just know. Katie has her own blog called Hems for Her (http://hemsforher.blogspot.com/2011/10/weekend-rake-up.html) and it has been a daily read for me since I found it! She's such an ispiration (and self coined FATshanista!) and I love keeping up with her daily outfits! She makes me want to get out of my tshirt and jeans (or yoga pants if I'm feeling lazy. lol) rut inspite of not always feeling the greatest about my body. It is what it is and I can rock it no matter what size I am. Check out this adorable photo of us! I must say we were both looking quite awesome that night! <3
Tuesday, October 18
2 little birds sat at my window
And they told me you don't have to worry.
I would just like to say, I find myself to be very artist. Like, I've impressed people in the past, IMPRESSED people. But I have found my crafty artsy kryptonite. You see, it all started with a birthday party. One of those painting parties at a local shop called Works of Art. Everyone gets together and picks a picture to paint then the teacher person tells you how to do it. Well, I'm gonna just say, I picked the wrong photo for a first timer. I suppose I needed something with a little more.... structure. At least something with more of an answer of "Whatever you want." to my question of "What do I do now?". I'm putting it down now. I'm stating it for the world to see. I am not a painter.
That's not to say, I'll never be a painter. After crashing and burning (in my eyes, everyone else says it's a cute painting, although they are being far too nice) I have decided to go back and try again. Something with a bit more purpose this time. I will conquer this goal! They have couples night as well so maybe I can talk Ran into painting with me. I know he'll be amazing at it. He's quite the little artist. He's great at drawing and pastels. I'm sure painting would come just as easily to him. Teresa's turned out lovely as you can see by this photo! Mine.... well, I'll get better. :)
I would just like to say, I find myself to be very artist. Like, I've impressed people in the past, IMPRESSED people. But I have found my crafty artsy kryptonite. You see, it all started with a birthday party. One of those painting parties at a local shop called Works of Art. Everyone gets together and picks a picture to paint then the teacher person tells you how to do it. Well, I'm gonna just say, I picked the wrong photo for a first timer. I suppose I needed something with a little more.... structure. At least something with more of an answer of "Whatever you want." to my question of "What do I do now?". I'm putting it down now. I'm stating it for the world to see. I am not a painter.
That's not to say, I'll never be a painter. After crashing and burning (in my eyes, everyone else says it's a cute painting, although they are being far too nice) I have decided to go back and try again. Something with a bit more purpose this time. I will conquer this goal! They have couples night as well so maybe I can talk Ran into painting with me. I know he'll be amazing at it. He's quite the little artist. He's great at drawing and pastels. I'm sure painting would come just as easily to him. Teresa's turned out lovely as you can see by this photo! Mine.... well, I'll get better. :)
Finding me
It's been a long 17 months. 17 months of planning a growing family. 17 months of it still being just the two of us. 17 months of questioning. 17 months of waiting. Waiting to change something about me or my life in fear of screwing up my desires for the future. The truth of the matter is that I've lost myself in my journey to expanding our family. I won't do any major remodeling to the craft room in fear that it would ruin the nursery, and while it may make me happy now I may regret it later. That is just the smallest of the things I deny myself at this point. I stop myself from doing anything I may regret later. All it's getting me is regretting my life now. I am a shell of a person waiting for another human being to fill me back up.
Let me just say right now, I really like LBJ. Like a lot. I think she's pretty darn great. She plays hard and loves harder and only gets sad for other people. She's big hearted and would give the shoes off her feet to someone who needs them. I miss her. So much. She was silly. She was fun. I'm just sad and angry.
But you have to understand, my arms are so empty, and my heart is too. I'm achy and I don't know how to make it stop. I've been taught a lot of things in my 24 years, and I've learned even more on my own, but one thing I've never figured out is how to let go of a dream, to smother a desire, to tell yourself.... it just may not happen.
You see, I am a dreamer. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's everything about me. When you take a dreamer's dreams away, well, there is simply nothing left.
Some days are better than others. I make it sound like I'm always sad, and I'm really not. Sadness is not in my nature so it's taken some getting used to letting it in. In fact generally, I'm quite happy most of the time. I have an amazing husband. Sadly, he's living with an empty dreamer, a sad optimist. All things considered, he's doing really well. He loves me. I've never doubted it. I never will. He tries so hard. I wish I'd let him in a little more. It's hard to let someone into your sadness. In part it's to protect myself, but mostly it's to protect him. I don't want him to know this pain. That's simply not fair. But I love that boy. He is my smile. He's what keeps me above water, always. I've got 2 dogs that, to them, I'm their world. It's a lot of pressure, but I relish in it. It feels good to nurture them, even though I lose my patience all too often. They are consistent. They are stable. They are two small rocks that keep me grounded. One of the most important things in my life, and arguably the thing that has forced me to be better as a person, is my business. It is the closest thing to a baby I have and I treat it as such. I love my business, more than I love most people, and it has kept me pushing forward, it refuses to let me lay in bed and cry every day. It gives me goals, successes, and yes, failures, but it gives, and that's exactly what I need it to do. It forces me to step outside, to be around people, to put myself second, to be okay. It has helped me push forward. God knew what he was doing when he let Olive Photos work out the way it did. It bears her name and like she does, it gives me a higher purpose. It has been my saving grace.
I have a good life. Even though I feel like a shell of my former self, it is no one's fault but my own. I am happy. I am blessed. I'm just empty. And for now, sadly, that just has to be okay. But I will find her again. I'm taking those steps and when I do find her, I won't let her get away. Not this time. Not again. Not ever again.
Let me just say right now, I really like LBJ. Like a lot. I think she's pretty darn great. She plays hard and loves harder and only gets sad for other people. She's big hearted and would give the shoes off her feet to someone who needs them. I miss her. So much. She was silly. She was fun. I'm just sad and angry.
But you have to understand, my arms are so empty, and my heart is too. I'm achy and I don't know how to make it stop. I've been taught a lot of things in my 24 years, and I've learned even more on my own, but one thing I've never figured out is how to let go of a dream, to smother a desire, to tell yourself.... it just may not happen.
You see, I am a dreamer. It's what I do. It is who I am. It's everything about me. When you take a dreamer's dreams away, well, there is simply nothing left.
Some days are better than others. I make it sound like I'm always sad, and I'm really not. Sadness is not in my nature so it's taken some getting used to letting it in. In fact generally, I'm quite happy most of the time. I have an amazing husband. Sadly, he's living with an empty dreamer, a sad optimist. All things considered, he's doing really well. He loves me. I've never doubted it. I never will. He tries so hard. I wish I'd let him in a little more. It's hard to let someone into your sadness. In part it's to protect myself, but mostly it's to protect him. I don't want him to know this pain. That's simply not fair. But I love that boy. He is my smile. He's what keeps me above water, always. I've got 2 dogs that, to them, I'm their world. It's a lot of pressure, but I relish in it. It feels good to nurture them, even though I lose my patience all too often. They are consistent. They are stable. They are two small rocks that keep me grounded. One of the most important things in my life, and arguably the thing that has forced me to be better as a person, is my business. It is the closest thing to a baby I have and I treat it as such. I love my business, more than I love most people, and it has kept me pushing forward, it refuses to let me lay in bed and cry every day. It gives me goals, successes, and yes, failures, but it gives, and that's exactly what I need it to do. It forces me to step outside, to be around people, to put myself second, to be okay. It has helped me push forward. God knew what he was doing when he let Olive Photos work out the way it did. It bears her name and like she does, it gives me a higher purpose. It has been my saving grace.
I have a good life. Even though I feel like a shell of my former self, it is no one's fault but my own. I am happy. I am blessed. I'm just empty. And for now, sadly, that just has to be okay. But I will find her again. I'm taking those steps and when I do find her, I won't let her get away. Not this time. Not again. Not ever again.
Friday, March 11
Simon Says
'Ello!
Thursday, March 10
Small Blessings
I have has such a wonderfully quiet day filled with small blessings, which honestly are the greatest ones! Randy got a second job today working just 12 more hours a week, but it's going to bring in some much needed extra money and won't get in the way of our home time too much and his weekend job has promised to move him to morning shift only instead of swing shift. This is such a HUGE relief. He was working until midnight on Sunday then getting up to take a test in Jacksonville at 7am on Mondays and it just really wasn't working for him and it was taking it toll on him and his grades. We really needed the extra money right now so this is so fantastic!
I also found the final photos that were lost but not delivered from my external. I have to completely re edit but I'm just so glad to have them back! I know Angela and Katlyn are even more excited than me! lol I have cried and cried over these photos. I've felt so guilty and unprofessional for the hard drive breaking. This has been such a blessing and a huge self esteem boost!
This is the smallest little blessing, and I'm sure some wouldn't see it as a blessing at all, but it made me smile and it made me happy and that's good enough for me. :) I had to get some security envelopes to mail out contracts and found some on clearance with pink breast cancer awareness ribbons as the security design. Like I said it's the small things you have to be thankful for. They simply made me happy.
I've been looking over baby gear all day. I figure I know I'll get pregnant eventually and I want to be prepared as possible so we won't have any worries when the time comes. I found the pattern I want for our stuff. It's called Bumble and it's by Carters. Perfect for boy or girl. Yellow and grey with bees. I didn't want animals or anything like that, but so far it's the only thing I've even remotely liked. I know I want a grey and yellow and black theme running through out. Boy or girl. :) Like I said, it's the small things you have to smile about. :)
Tuesday, March 8
Dear Baby,
Today Daddy and I went to see a doctor because we've been trying for a very long time to get you here and we just can't do it on our own. It wasn't fun, baby, but I want you to know that I will stop at nothing to meet you. I will do everything it takes to have you here in our lives. I love you so much already, and even though I don't know you yet, I know I be blessed to know you soon. You are so precious to me. Daddy and I talk about you often and we can't wait to see who you are and the things you like and what interests you and who you are going to grow up to be. No matter who you grow up to be, you will be loved. So loved. We are all anxiously waiting on you down here. Gamma, Gigi, Papa, and of course me and Daddy. We've been preparing for you for a while now. You have lots of cute clothes waiting on you and a special blanket picked with you in mind. I love you, baby. There really isn't much more than that to say at this point, but I just wanted you to know, we've taken the first step on our journey to you. It's going to be a long scary journey, but knowing you'll be at the end makes it all worth while. I'll never give up. I love you.
Mommy
Our Doctor Visit
Let me just start off by saying, I have heard terrible things about the Health Department. Not just ours, all government run health departments. I've heard they are dirty, loud, in bad parts of town, and other awful things. I've even heard that the doctors there are so awful they along will make you loose your child. Yep. That is why I've never been to the Health Department. Well, today I put on my big girl panties and I went to the health department. Let me just tell you, it was the best experience I've ever had in a doctors' office in my life. It was nice and clean and I was in and out in 2 hours. That seems like a while but I had to fill out new patient paperwork, go through a Medicaid consult, have blood work done, get a pap smear and apply for PlanFirst Medicaid. My waits in each waiting room were no more than 10 minutes max. The people were so kind and I was never made to feel like a bad person for being there. They were supportive and they listened to me and the best part, a different nurse would come in and say "Aw, you're trying to have a baby? That's wonderful." I didn't have to repeat myself a hundred times and they cared about why I was there. It wasn't about the money. They generally cared. I can not tell you how good it was to hear "Yes, there is something wrong. You have tried enough and you are doing everything right. Let's see what we can do to fix this." I know I'm not crazy. I knew something in my body wasn't right and it wasn't because God didn't want me to get pregnant, or that I wasn't being patient enough, or that I wasn't believing in the magical fairy dust enough, that something wasn't right. I knew it. Yes, I'm sure people are out there that just need to calm down and boom they get knocked up. Those people aren't me. I've had issues since I was 12 with endometriosis and it's been nearly 6 years since my last checkup. It feels to good to know I was right to be worried.
I didn't cry when they drew my blood (this seriously was a big worry) but they did have to use a peds butterfly needle and go through the top of my arm to be able find a vein. I did on the other hand tear up at the pap. Wow. That was kinda rough. The lady told me that she thinks I have scar tissue in my tubes and if I get accepted into the Plan First program I can see Dr. Daniels about treatment. I may have to have another surgery to get rid of the scar tissue, but hopefully after that we should be able to easily get pregnant. It will be amazing. It will take 2 weeks to find out if we qualify for the program. After that I'll have wait to get an appointment with the Dr. and from there find out the steps we need to take to get the ball rolling. I feel so much peace knowing we have options and a way to get past this. I wish I hadn't waited this long to ask for help. We could already have our little bit on the way. But I'm so grateful that we have information now and I'm hoping this leads us to exactly the goal we have been working so hard for.
Fingers crossed we get approved. If not this all stops here and I'm not sure what we'll do.
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