Judgement and Drama

I choose to keep myself out of drama, I also choose to be the kind of person that lifts up others instead of judging them. I wish I could say the same for other 'adults'. I have no shame so here are the messages that were posted.

Her: ok, dont get me wrong, you have the right to apply for assistance. but, you have your own business your spouse works and you are trying to get on MEDICADE to see about haveing a baby.. right? You have only been married since july 2010 maybe God is telling you that you need to wait.. give it a little time.. trust me its is best to enjoy your married life first then have children.. You shouldnt want to have a baby becasue everyone else is. just let it go and God will bless you.. you are putting too much thought into it.really gets me tho so many jumping on the "government assistance program that really should not be there.. sorry,, thats my soap box..

Me: Yes, I do have the right to apply for assistance. That is about the only thing in this message you are correct on. I have not had insurance since 2005 and I lost it right after I had my first miscarriage, so after my D&C I haven't seen a doctor since. I do not qualify for insurance because of preexisting conditions. Conditions that are the reason why I lost my first child, and are the same conditions keeping me from getting pregnant now. The entire time I worked, I paid into medicaid for other people, and my husband continues to pay into the program. He makes around $1000 a month so as you can see, after a mortgage, power, water, and other bills my medical problems get put on the back burner as far as money goes. As far as my business, I charge enough to pay for my supplies and packaging, not enough to make any sort of living off of. I started my business as a way to use the talents God gave me to allow others to have their memories capture when they wouldn't normally be able to afford it, not to supplement an income. Not that that should matter to you at all. Yes, I have been married since July of 2010, but I have been with my husband for nearly 6 years. If we feel that right now is the right time for us to have a child, then that is our right to do so, and not your right to judge us for it. God puts desires into our heart for a reason, and a child is my desire. I'm sorry you feel like I'm jumping at government assistance, but I do not collect food stamps, nor am I on welfare, and I have paid into medicaid since I was 15 years old. You can now put your soap box away and pick up your Bible. There you will find the verse, Judge not les you be judged. I am a very encouraging person and I go out of my way to support other and not speak negatively about people. For that I will be blessed by God. I wish I could say the same for you. You constantly complain and you always have something to say about everything, and it's usually not in a positive light. For that God will take care of you. Like I said, it is none of my business how you choose to live your life, and it's none of yours how I live mine. Feel free to delete me from here if you don't like my choices. I've been praying for and your family and I will continue to do so.

Her: Well, I have paid into the system Also, but just don't forget to mention your tax free income from your .business.

Me:As have I. Please get over yourself and realize you are wrong. Take care of your children and your family and leave everyone else alone. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you need to voice it. I have many opinions of you, but out of respect I choose to keep them to myself. Do the same. I pay my taxes, thank you. Again, none of your business.

Her:You have to understand, young people like yourself d Should be working and therefore coverd under insurance. Medicare is for people who are not able to work and have insurance . Too many mothers are why our state is broke now

Me: It didn't finish your message, but let me stop you right there, young people like me are the ones in school so that when you get old you have someone to take care of you. Young people like me (and your two children) are the ones moving this nation forward. Young people like me are the reasons why you will end up with social security benefits while we go without after it's gone. Don't judge young people like me, because at one point you were a young person as well. I am done with this conversation. Please don't contact me again. I do work. I have worked since I was 15. I don't qualify for insurance because the full time jobs that offer it are simply not available. It's good to know you think that women like yourself and your daughter who have children are the reason our state is broke.

And I reported her for harassment and blocked her. The end.

The thing is is that I try so hard to be there for people. To be there for other people, to encourage people, and to be positive as much as possible. I try so hard to help others as much as I can. It hurts that when I'm at my lowest and scared to death of what the doctor is going to say, I have someone attack me for stealing from the government. REALLY? It's so hurtful.

A new path

Randy has really impressed me lately. About a month ago he was failing out of nursing school, he was broken, and beat down, and nothing I said made anything better. He was talking about dropping out this semester and coming back next year. I said no. I told him this was make or break. If nursing school wasn't his path then we needed to stop wasting time with it, but he needed to find his path. He agreed. He went to school and passed his next test. Then his next. Then his next. The drop out date was March 5th. As of March 7th, he just made an 86 on his last test and he is officially passing all his classes! It's all about attitude! He stopped letting himself get down about it and instead did something about it. There is a lesson for me in there somewhere but baby steps, you know.

Today we are taking the steps to 'do something' about our current situation. When Randy gets home from school we are going to the health department and picking up the paperwork for Family Planning. Then we will be setting up and appointment with an OB and start the process for fertility treatments. I am excited, but also very nervous. It makes it real. It's admitting there is a problem. But I truly believe getting answers will help us. We are trying to set our first appointment up for Randy's Spring Break so he can be there and so we don't have to work anything around his schedule and we can get in faster. I think we will be using Dr. Daniels. At this point he is the only OB locally that I am aware of that accepts the Family Planing Program. Eventually I'd like to move over to Dr. Young.

Anyway I just want to ask for everyone's continuing support and prayers as we start down this path. It's not a journey I saw myself on at 23, but I know my purpose on this Earth is to be a mother, and I will use any means necessary to make that happen. I am so thankful for all the love and wisdom we've felt from everyone. I am most thankful for my amazing husband and my Kelly who's unfaltering support has gotten me this far. I am beyond lucky to have 2 people that I know will never judge me when I get mad or when I cry, and who will never tell me what I'm feeling is wrong. They don't try to talk to me about patience or plans or what is meant to be. They just let me feel what I feel and they hold my hand through it until it's better. That's exactly what I've needed and to have 2 people in my life giving me that has been a gift. I love you guys so much.

Quote of the day

So I truly think we stumble on things when we need them the most. One of those quirky little things about life. I was looking up teacup tattoos online and came across this passage. It's from Robert Hellenga's The Sixteen Pleasures.

(The nun is talking about her life before she entered the convent. She and her husband had desparately wanted children but were unable to conceive.)

We had no children. That was a disappointment. Like Sarah — Abraham’s wife. We tried everything, doctors in Milan and in Switzerland, but nothing worked. I had to accept the fact that I was barren. That changed the direction of my life. What I wanted most was denied to me. You come up against something, a roadblock, you’re so sure of the direction you’re going in, the road you want to take, that it’s inconceivable. But a bridge has been washed out. You have to find some other way.

And now look. God has given me these children, my daughters, you see. I could never have foreseen it. Daughters in adundance. That’s what I wanted to say to you. People say that God works in mysterious ways when they really mean that life, or something in their own lives, doesn’t make any sense, but I think that’s wrong. I think it means that we can’t make any sense out of life until we give up our deepest hopes, until we stop trying to arrange everything to suit us. But once we do, or are forced to . . . That’s what’s mysterious.

Wow. What can I say? Honestly.

Plans

We got some news on Friday about Randy's grandmother. She was put in the hospital with pneumonia. While she was there they found out her cancer has now spread to her kidneys and her colon. It's inoperable and there is nothing more that can be done except for pain meds and comfort measures. We thought it would be a matter of days or weeks that we had with her, but luckily they've said we have months. I suppose you are suppose to think of that as a bright side, but really I can't help but think it's drawing out the pain. 4-6 months. That's how long they say she has. They've said it so many times before though. We've said goodbye so many times. Our first Christmas in 2005, Randy and I went to see her for Christmas because we were told it would be her last and he wanted me to meet her. That was over 5 years ago. We were told last Christmas that we shouldn't expect her to make it into the new year. In March Randy and his father went up for Alvin's birthday to say goodbye again. Yet somehow she's always pulled through. She should have passed in 2002 when she had 3 open heart surgeries in one day, or a couple of years later when they diagnosed her with cancer for the first time, but here she is 9 years later, and we are suppose to say goodbye again.

For me, it's tougher this time. Today marks 9 months Randy and I have been trying to get pregnant. Still no luck. Every child in the Johnson family has a blanket, quilted just for them, by his grandmother. 4-6 months. She'll never meet our baby. She'll never get the chance to make that quilt and our baby will miss a vital part of his or her family. I always thought if you could plan things, that everything would work out the way it should, and nothing bad would ever happen. You can't plan things. You don't get final say. I couldn't plan to get pregnant. I can't plan for Fairy to be here when we finally have our baby.

I love the Johnsons' with all my heart. Through them I have gotten my greatest gift in a wonderful man who takes care of me and is my best friend. I hope one day I can give that gift back in a baby to carry on their name. I can only pray they'll all be here to meet them.

Maybe all the plans we made would not work out

But I have no doubt even though it's hard to see

I've got faith in us and I believe in you and me

First night with Simon

Samantha and I went to pick up Simon from the museum yesterday after a long trip to hobby lobby and a stop to eat. I *almost* got another small one so he'd have company, but I was afraid the little one would be a girl and I don't want bunnies everywhere. lol

He didn't do much when we got him home. Pretty much just stayed in a corner and avoided eye contact. Sabastian and Sam love him and want to get a hold of him so bad they can't stand it. Last night Sabie was a little afraid of him, but this morning he keeps scratching on his cage CRYING for him to come out. lol Samual wants to play with him. Haha. I took him out for a few minutes around them last night but they didn't get to touch him, which drove them nuts. I got worried last night because he had YET to use the restroom at all all day. After dinner I put the boys in the dining room and pulled him out. Randy and I played with him for a bit and gave him some cut up carrots and he was fine after that. He used the restroom, gave himself a bath, and didn't try to hide anymore. During the night he learned to use his water bottle, which was another concern. He also ate all of his hay and decided his new favorite place to sit was on top of his igloo instead of inside. He also discovered his bell toy around 3 this morning. I know this because Randy, Sabastian, Samual, and I all slept in the living room last night so Simon wouldn't be alone. I might add, Randy, Sabastian, Samual, and I ALL ended up sleeping on the couch so it was a bit tight, but Simon seemed well adjusted in his nice roomy cage. Randy's already talking about getting a bigger cage for him with ramps and things for him to play on and run around in. I'd love to get him a friend, but it seems we've gotten SO lucky in his personality I'm worried another one wouldn't be as good. I do NOT want a mean rabbit. He deals with Sabie and Sam, he loves being held and petted, I can touch him anywhere and he doesn't get snippy, he's all around perfect so I don't want to push my luck.

I'll post pictures later.

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE Dr. Suess. If we happen to have a boy one day his nursery will be all Suessed out. In honor of the Doc's birthday I found and article online that really sums up why I love the books as much as I do. They are so inspiring, and I truly do believe we should encourage our children to really listen to the message he's bringing and know how special they really are.

Living with Passion: Top 10 Dr Suess Quotes on Life

1. “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
Don’t forget the special gift of just being you. Don’t get distracted trying to be like something or someone else you’re not. You are the best You there ever could be.

2. “If you never did, you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
Life was not given to us to be filled with regrets. Opportunities await you and can be more fun than you ever imagined if you’ll simply take the chance. Take advantage of those opportunities and have a blast. What good can possibly come from saying you never tried?

3. “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Often folks are so worried about what other people think. Be honest and real and those who matter most in your life will accept you no matter what. Those who won’t, you don’t need. Life is too short to worry all the time what other people think.

4. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
This is our opportunity to see the glass as half full. Celebrate people and experiences that you’ve had, and let the memories live on. So often we get trapped in grief and despair when there is so much to be celebrated.

5. “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
Aren’t we typically our own worst enemy. We make things more complicated than they have to be. When in doubt, go back to the basics and you’ll probably find your answer.

6. “I meant what I said and I said what I meant.”
Mean what you say or don’t say it at all. Resist the urge to not be genuine in an effort to protect or please yourself or someone else. This does not mean be rude or hateful, in those times it’s probably best to simply not say something. However, when you do speak up, make sure it is what you want to say and what you really mean it’s your opportunity to live with integrity.

7. “The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”
Always make learning part of your life. You know only a portion of what you could possibly know and there are so many more exciting adventures to come from learning new things. Learning keeps you connected and interested which is a key to living passionately.

8. “How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”
Time flies by. We all know this for a fact. Don’t let life sneak past you without being part of it. Time is the most valuable of all the resources as it’s the only one we can never get back.

9. Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”
Be grateful for the good parts of your day. Recognize what was fun and be thinking of what you can do more of to make your tomorrow even better!

10.Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the things you can think up if only you try!”
Trying is a key element to success. Without trying success isn’t even a possibility. Without trying you can’t complain about what you don’t or can’t have. Dream Big, Think Big and Act big. It will make all the difference in your life. No limitations.

Happy Birthday,

Theodor Seuss Geisel

New family member alert!

So I'm shooting my first wedding this Saturday. I'm so very excited, but scared out of my mind as well. Seriously freaked out. Luckily I'll have Kelly by my side the whole time and she always has a way to calm me down. Also calming me down is the new 18-200mm lens I just rented from Borrowlenses.com! It's coming tomorrow so I can't leave the house til it gets here. Oh what I would do to own that lens. I can't wait to get my hands on it!! And that baby is mine til Monday! Woot! I'm going to make good use of her too. Not only will I be using it at the wedding, but I will also be practicing it out on our

NEW PET BUNNY!!!

Yes, ladies and gents, that's right. We've added one more boy to the Johnson clan. Simon Kale Johnson (Now we have Sabastian Kenlee, Samual Klemons, and Simon Kale. Yay for SK names! lol)

I was getting him with the intention of only using him for the Spring Easter Mini Sessions I have coming up March 19th then giving him to Teresa's Elementary school, but today when we went to see him and pick him out, I held him and fell in love. We were going to come back next Tuesday and get him, still with then intention of giving him away at the end, but after we left, we stopped at Pickettes to get the boys some ears and while I was there of course I had to check out the bunny supplies. When I saw a great deal on a cage with all the starter supplies, I knew it was meant to be. I just had to have him. I begged and begged Randy to let me keep him, and although he's still not 100% sold on the idea, he agreed, so now we have a new bunny! Yay! I'm picking him up tomorrow. I got everything for him together today so all I have to do is bring him home and get him settled in! Expect photos soon. :)

Hold On

I admit that I am the WORLD'S WORST at getting discouraged and down in the dumps. I can't help it. I can be in the best mood then something can happen and I feel like I've fallen flat on my face. I'm sure my emotions are exhausting for those around me the most to keep up with. Well as we are rounding the last week and a half or so until 'P-day' kicking us off into month 9 of TTC I have been fussy and crabby and snippy to say the least. I honestly feel way worst for my husband than I ever could myself. Bless him, he puts up with my moods and keeps on keeping on. The same way I can so quickly fall, something can happen and I can bounce right back up. Like today, I have 9 sessions to finish, package, and mail all before March 4th so I can put all of my concentration and energy into the wedding I'm shooting on March 5th. I am overwhelmed and completely unmotivated. Then my husband gets home from school. He gives the dogs a bath, gets me outside and we take a walk around the block with the boys, he gets me some lunch, then brings me home to settle in for a long night of editing while he is currently cleaning and mopping every inch of our house. Wow. If that's not love, I really don't know what is. Of course, I'm still crabby and trying to hermit myself as work and while listening to Pandora our song comes on. The song we had our first dance to at our wedding, and a song I can't help but cry at every single time I hear it, and finally I feel a break in my sadness. My husband is my rock. He is my foundation. He is sturdy and though I am shaken he never lets me go.

Yes, I will start this month, probably late. Just late enough to get my hopes up. Yes I will be crushed. Yes I will cry. Yes I will be mad and bitter. But I will pick myself and push forward, knowing, even without a positive pregnancy test, even with my dream that much farther away, that I will keep listening to our song realizing we truly are the lucky ones.

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones?
I guess that we were once
Babe, we were once
But luck will leave you cause
It is a faithless friend
And in the end when life has got you down
You've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around

So hold on to me tight
Hold on to me tonight
We are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone
So hold on to me
Don't you ever let me go

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart
But it's no one's fault
No it's not my fault

Maybe all the plans we made would not work out
But I have no doubt even though it's hard to see
I've got faith in us and I believe in you and me

So hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it'll be alright
Cause it's you and me together
And baby all we've got is time
So hold on to me, hold on to me tonight

There's so many dreams that we have given up
Take a look at all we've got
And with this kind of love
What we've got here is enough

So hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it'll be alright
Cause we are stronger here together
Then we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me
Don't you ever let me go
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright
Hold on to me tonight
They always say we were the lucky ones

Lucky I'm in love

with my best friend. My very very best friend.

I've been saying this a lot recently, and I wish I could have told myself a year ago that this would happen, but I am honestly 100% the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. Baby drama or no baby drama there is not a thing I would change. Wow. I've never been able to say that before. Ever. I feel so at peace, and it is because of the amazing husband I have who supports me 110% in EVERYTHING that I do, the wonderful family I have that shows me more love than I ever knew was possible, and my friends who really, I can't give words to. They are so great. They don't only pick me up when I fall, they drag me forward with my life. This past year has been a world wind. I've felt more ups and downs in one short time that I'm surprised I don't have whiplash. I was a different person a year ago. I was depressed, tired, overwhelmed and just ready to give up on everything and everyone. And I did. And I was miserable. Randy and I split up for 3 months and I learned a lot about myself in that time. I was stronger than I knew, but I was also more cruel and hateful of a person than I'd ever realized I could be. Wow. I never thought of myself as a bad person, but I was. Then on June 10th, on our 5 year anniversary, Randy got down on one knee and gave me the proposal I've always dreamed of, and my life has be completely changed ever since. Not because I nabbed a man, but because I realized, no matter what, I would and will always have someone standing by my side whether I deserve it or not. That day I found a hope that has carried me through every high and every low I've had in the last 7 months. And a month later I became Mrs. Johnson, which I am convinced is the person I was always meant to be. Who I was born to be. I am better for knowing him, but I found me the day I became his wife.

We have had some amazing days this past week. Friday night we went and saw Black Swan and went out for drinks afterwards. Man, that was fun. I don't know how many people can say their husband really is the person they'd choose over everyone else to hang out with, but seriously, my favorite thing in the world is to hang out with my husband. Black Swan was amazing. Very much directed towards a specific audience, but we loved it. I was a wreck the whole time. That movie just made you feel uncomfortable and nervous and on the edge of your seat the whole time. I'd be lying to you if I said I could tell you what happened and what didn't at the end of the movie. It was trippy but man was it inspiring. Applebees was fabulous as well. Let me just say, I don't drink. Ever. I'm not sure why, but it's just not me. The last time I really had a drink was back in May the day before my wedding was suppose to be. Well, Friday I told Ran I'd like to go out and just get a couple of drinks and unwind from the week. I'm all about doing things on a budget and at AB's after 9 appetizers are half price and they have drink specials. Heck yeah! I had a pomegranate long island iced tea, a lemon drop, and boneless wings. I was feeling mighty nice! Long story short, I love dating my husband because he really is my best friend. We have so much more fun together than a married couple should. He makes me laugh, he gets my jokes, and he just flat out makes me happy. He's up there on my top 10 of greatest people ever, right under Oprah and Martha Stewart. ;) I honestly have no greater wish for my friends or my kids than to marry someone who makes you laugh, someone that really is your best friend. Someone that you can have fun with but will also pick you up and carry you when you are at your lowest. Someone who will let you know you are NEVER gonna be alone. I can only hope everyone else gets as lucky as me.

'There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and the people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad & focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of LIFE. Getting back up is LIVING!'

Jaby Jaby Jaby OHH!

So I think I'm ovulating this week but I'm not 100% sure. Yep, that's the first time in 7 months I haven't been able to tell you the exact dates I'm most fertile. I haven't peed on any sticks, I haven't imputed any dates in a calender, I don't even remember the last day of my last period. Randy and I aren't trying anymore and I can't tell you what a relief it is to say that.I feel better than I have in a while. I'm at peace with it. I always said, I don't want a holiday baby. That being said, if it happened of course I would be over joyed, but if I can plan around it, I'd like to. Most people who know me know this about me, but I suffer from seasonal bipolar disorder. It's not bad at all compared to most but my husband can tell you, winter me is a completely different person from spring me. Winter me is at my worst, and I want my baby to meet me for the first time at by best. Randy is also back in full swing with nursing school, I'm in full swing with OlivePhotos and with my newest little project, hence the stall on the baby making. We are just trying to make the best choices for our little family, and I feel really good about it. We may pick up on the tracking thing in April or May, but we'll see how this goes for us first. I'm just tired of the stress and the anger and the bitterness and the disappointment.

Randy and I were talking last night about my new found sense of peace. I realized, there is a reason we aren't pregnant. A big one. It's because this world isn't ready for our baby yet. We've been through so much and tried so hard for this baby, I know it is destined for great things. Our baby is going to change the world. I don't know how, or why, or when but it's going to happen. And when it is the perfect time to set all the of the events into motion, we will have our Alice or our Oliver. When we have that baby there will be no other baby in the world as loved or appreciated and there will never be a day that goes by that I don't let them know that. Nothing that I do or don't do is going to change the date we get pregnant. That's predetermined. But when if finally happens we will be the happiest couple of goofy kids in the world.

'If you only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed

So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road'

Wallpaper, Nurseries, and crafty frames

Well, I've been snowed in at my inlaws for a week now (okay the snow melted 3 or 4 days ago and we have free food and no cleaning here), and HGtv and DIY Network are constantly on in this house, so while I'm away from home I'm thinking of all the great things I want to do with my house when I get back! I have a project I've been working on for a while that desperately needs to be finished so I'm thinking a Tackle it Tuesday for it is in order. More on that later. I suppose a part of blogging is getting to stalk other bloggers blogs and the blogs they stalk. :) Well today I found the cutest house blog I've ever seen and this post blew my world! It's all about wallpapering your ceiling! Gasp! That's exactly the solution to the awful spray bubble ick that is my ceiling! While scrolling across the beautiful photos I was stopped dead in my tracks by this photo.

OMG!

Now I've been planning Baby Alice's nursery for oh.... 2 years now? lol An Alice in Wonderland garden party has been in the works. Complete with teapots and framed prints from the original books. Now this photo through me for a loop! Now let me take a moment to let you know my latest obsession. The color grey. It has taken over my house. My kitchen, dining room, and hallway are all painted with a beautiful muted grey. My bedroom is about to go grey and I have grey accents in my bathrom. Along with the grey obession has come and equally strong obession with a beautiful bright sunny mustard yellow and foggy light blues. I see this nursery and I am floored. Yellow! Stripes! Birdhouses! AND A GREY TRIM on custom tailored bedding. SIGH! While I figure out how to work yellow stripes into Alice's wonderland garden I'm also going to figure out a way to wallpaper my ugly ceiling! I will keep you updated. Well that was my share of the day. While I'm at it I want to brag on a friend of mine.

I told you a little about the Pay it Forward Giveaway in a past post, well today I got a sneak peek at what I got from one of the ones I commented on, and it's sparked a business adventure for one of my dear friends Brittany. I can't wait to show you what she's doing! For our giveaway she made super cute picture frames and that is blossoming into so much more for her!

This is the frame she made that will be coming to decorate the Johnsons' living room bookshelf!

Isn't it fantastic!? I'll be sure to keep you updated as she adds more to her inventory! Bijoux Boutique (which means cute little shop in French AW!) will hopefully be at a craft show in April and I will be there cheering Britt on and helping her sell these adoreable frames and more! She has my crafty brain racing! I went to Hobby Lobby and went up and down each isle to decide on my next project to put in the works. Can't wait to see what I dream up tonight!

Girl Talk

So last night I had a huge revelation. I love to talk on the phone. Of course this is nothing new, I've always been a talker and there is rarely a phone not attached to my body somewhere, but somewhere along the way forgot how great it is just to have a phone conversation for no reason. Most of my phone calls take place when I have to ask someone a question or find out about a date and time and they last 10 minutes max. Last night I got to talk to one of my girlfriends, Brittany, and man was it nice. It's always nice to have conversations with someone in the same boat as you, or in the same place in their life as you are. I dare say I will never take for granted the simple joy of a 57 minute long phone call about nothing and everything, ever again.

Okay, so I'm gonna try to make a daily goal today. I've got 3 sessions I'm currently working on, and 3 others to burn. Unfortunately I can' t burn anything while I'm still at Teresa and Alvin's. But my goal today is to finish 2 of my 3 sessions and to work a Zumba in there as well. Let's see how that goes.

Blueberry Cream Muffin Recipe

My Mother in Law made these for breakfast this morning and they were wonderful! They aren't too sweet, which I love, so if you like a sweeter muffin, you may want to add another 1/2 of sugar, or replace 1 cup of the white sugar with 1 cup of light brown sugar. These were light, fluffy, and mild using the blueberries to carry the flavor. Let me know if you try them, what you think ,and what you would change in the comment section!

Blueberry Cream Muffins

4 eggs

2 cups white sugar

1 cup vegetable oil

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 cups sour cream

2 cups blueberries

Directions

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease 24 muffin cups or line with paper muffin liners.

In large bowl beat eggs, gradually add sugar while beating. Continue beating while slowly pouring in oil. Stir in vanilla. In a separate bowl, stir together flour, salt and baking soda.

Stir dry ingredients into egg mixture alternately with sour cream. Gently fold in blueberries. Scoop batter into prepared muffin cups.

Bake in preheated oven for 20 minutes.

Cabin Fever

Well, here we are in 2011. Randy and I celebrated our first 6 months of marriage this past Monday. Well, I say we celebrated, but we actually didn't do anything at all. lol We are currently iced in at my in laws house. Notice I said, iced, not snowed. Yep our giant snow storm has become nothing but ice. Roads have been closed for 3 days now. They opened yesterday and today from noon until 4. I must stay I'm going a bit stir crazy. I do not deal well with being cooped up. I have gotten some Zumba in, so that's great, I need to get back on it today. Teresa made some fantastic homemade hot coco on Monday when we got out of the snow. I'll post a recipe when I get it. I loved going out and getting some photographs in the snow though. I still haven't bothered throwing on any makeup and getting any of Randy and I but I'll make sure I do before it all melts away.



I'm having a bit of a hard time with the whole baby subject. This was the first month I had no doubt in my mind that we were not pregnant. I knew we weren't. Everything was on time, and I was at peace. Then it seems like everyone and their mom either had a baby or announced they were pregnant, and I'm not going to lie, it hurts. Like hell. It's not that I'm not happy for them, I am SO happy for them, but it breaks my heart that it's not me. I hate to feel so jealous but it's hard not to. I feel like I just need to step away from it. I know it may hurt those around me, but I honestly have to give myself time to cope with the situation. That sounds dramatic, and yes it may be, but I'd rather keep my distance than to be bitter, jealous, or mean. Those things just aren't me, but I can feel those emotions inside and that is just something I have to smother. While we are trying I don't want any extra stress and I'm putting it on myself. I have days when I feel like such a failure. Like for some reason I can't do the one thing women were put on this Earth by nature to do. That is a hard pill to swallow. There are only so many times you can hear "It will happen when it's meant to happen" or "When God says it's time, then it's time." or "If you just don't think about it, it will happen." or "You should just enjoy your husband while you can. Babies make life too hard." before you just start tuning everyone out. Yes, when it happens, obviously that is when the powers that be have decided that I am worthy to be a mom. And I enjoy the time I have with my husband every day, but we aren't like most people. We didn't date a few months, get engaged then get married a year after that. We've been together nearly 6 years. We are ready for this next step. We are ready to make our family complete. I will not enjoy my husband any less, or love him any less. Our lives will be different, but oh so much more rewarding. I'm just so ready for it to be my turn. So ready to feel my baby move, to hold them. I'm not having a pity party. Far from it. I want to look back on this blog a year from now and know that I was completely honest with my feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm not going to lie to myself any longer. I can be sad. And that's okay. And one day it will be my turn. And that's okay too.

Biscuits and Butter aka Spreading the love!

Being iced in this weekend, I did a couple of things I'm super proud of! I made my first homemade from scratch skillet biscuits! I had such a blast doing them! They needed to be cooked a little longer and I found them to be a bit bitter but everyone else LOVED them!


Old Fashioned Southern Biscuits

2 to 2 1/2 cups sifted self-rising flour
1/2 cup lard (or shortening)
1 cup buttermilk
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Lightly grease a baking sheet or iron skillet. Put the flour into a large mixing bowl. Make a well in the center. Add lard and buttermilk. Start working the flour into the milk and lard, squeezing the mixture through the fingers until a soft dough is formed. This will be a sticky dough. Lift the dough from the bowl and place on a well-floured surface. Sprinkle a little flour on top of the dough and start folding, gently kneading and turning the dough until it is no longer sticky. Pat or roll the dough to a thickness of about 1/2 inch. Cut with a 2-inch cutter. Place on baking sheet or in skillet. Bake for 8 minutes or until lightly browned. Yield 8 to 10 biscuits.
Note: Instead of cutting the biscuits, many Southern bakers prefer to pinch off portions of dough, making balls about 1 1/2 inch in diameter. These balls of dough are placed in the skillet and pressed gently with the knuckles to flatten slightly.

I'll be making another recipe today and I'll let you guys know how that goes.


Even more cool, I made BUTTER! Yes, I said it. I actually MADE butter. I was amazed. And it is SO good. Like, I could have eaten it all by myself with nothing else good. I highly recommend everyone to give it a shot. I really do believe once in every woman's life they should have the feeling of "Holy #$&$*#^, I made butter!" I used the instructions found here

I posted this message on my FB status the other day:
PAY IT FORWARD 2011: I promise something handmade to the FIRST 5 people who leave a comment here. However, to be eligible, YOU must repost this status, offering something handmade to 5 other people. The rules are that it must be handmade by YOU and it must be sent to your 5 people sometime in 2011. Ready, set, GO!

and last night I decided each of my five people will get a jar of homemade butter with a recipe for biscuits attached. I think I'll make each person a different kind based on what I think they'll like. I have Tara (Honey Butter), Brittany (Garlic and Herb butter), Stephanie (Coco Butter), Ashley (Chili Butter), and Rebecca (sweet cream butter). I think it's something that not only they can enjoy now, but they can keep the recipe and hopefully always think of me when they look at it!

I'm working on more butter this after noon as soon as Randy gets home with the cream. So excited to try some new kinds!

Our 2011 New Years resolutions

Lauryn:

1. Continue to grow my business, whatever that might mean, where ever that may go. I get so frustrated and stressed out with my photography, but honestly there is nothing else I would rather be doing. I need to get more organized in my process and set up an area when I'm burning my CDs and labeling my mailers. I also need to make it a goal to have set office hours where I sit down and do nothing but edit. I get so far behind because I have the hardest time just sitting down to work.

2. Get my finances in order and begin to pay down my debts. I need to learn better spending habits. I'm getting a little better, but this is something Randy and I have to be on the same page with. I also have to stop pretending debts will go away if I don't answer the calls or pay the bills. :/

3. Make a choice to follow a cleaning schedule for our house so that we can maintain it. I hate cleaning alone. If I had someone sitting on my couch everyday who would talk to me while I cleaned I'd be fine, but I don't and I need to do it on my own. I found a great day by day schedule here That's the one I'm going to try to follow. I like the different chore for each day so when I'm done with that chore I'm done for the day!

4. Make one large purchase goal at a time and put back the money for that goal until we can pay for it in cash up front, then make a new goal. I made this goal for things like counter tops for our house and things like that, but currently I need a new laptop for work and a new camera would be more that amazing. ;)

5. Learn to cook. I mean really cook. And make at least 3 meals a week. Healthy planned meals. I need to get on this. If it weren't such a pain to clean I'd do this more often! I am getting better about learning new basic things I can switch up and make my own though!

6. Coupon coupon coupon!!!! Plan meals around my our weekly sales ads! Save that money! I've started a couponing group on Facebook, and actually next week we are holding our first coupoing class. There is also I site I've been told about called where you pick your food plan and they give you a grocery list based on the sales in your area. Um.... GENIUS!

7. Don't forget to take time out for me. Put down the editing, turn off the TV and Computer, do something just for me. I get so stressed and so overwhelmed far too easily. Sometimes I need to just make myself step back and zen.

8. Back off Facebook. I spend WAY too much time on here. Enough said.

9. Learn to sew and knit. #10's adorable wardrobe will depend on it. Kelly is giving me her sewing machine and I want to start making lots of cute little clothes that won't be like everyone else. And I'd like something I could bond with my Mom over.

10. Have our beautiful Alice or Oliver. 2011 will be the year of baby Johnson! I'm keeping the faith that this will be the year. We've been trying for 7 months now and its getting harder and harder but I know the day I hold our precious miracle the wait will be worth it. Hopefully this blog will be a place to track our pregnancy soon. :)


I was only going post 10. A good round number and a good goal number, but this one couldn't be left out.

#11. Be a better wife. Support my husband and never take him for granted. Know how lucky I truly am to have him. Stand behind him, especially during nursing school time. I love him more than anything, never let a day go by that he is not told that.


Randy:

New dress!

I love to hear Randy laugh. It makes my heart smile. As much as he annoys me sometimes by doing little things to drive me up the wall, like play his guitar in my ear singing a song telling me to get off facebook when I am trying to catch up on invites and emails, I love to hear him laugh. He’s so big about it. He laughs like he means it and you just don’t find many people like that anymore. I’m not one of those people. I laugh when I don’t think something is funny, and I don’t like when I think something is. I’m more of a smiler myself.
I got a new wedding dress today. I went to Ross a few weeks ago and found a Calvin Klein dress there that I fell in love with. It was before we got back together or anything. I actually called Sam and told her if it was her size I’d found her perfect wedding dress. Haha. Well the day before we went to Georgia I went back to look for it and it wasn’t there. Last night I went and it was…. I was with T and I told her I just had to try it on. She told me not to because I’d regret it, but when she saw me in it she gasped. No one has gasped at my other dress. No one has said anything other than it’s pretty. She gasped. She called me today and told me she went back and bought it. I’ve been going back and forth all day on if I should wear it or not because the other one is none refundable and I’d already planned my flowers around the first dress and a million other reasons trying to talk myself out of the dress that I loved. I went to back to T’s today to show it to Sam and T made me try it on again. When I saw myself in the mirror I gasped. I love it. I absolutely adore it. I want to get married in it. I want to wear it every day and dance around in it and just be pretty. I feel so pretty in it. I’m thinking of shortening the other one and wearing it to the rehearsal dinner. It’s pretty but it isn’t the one. The new dress is. Oh, and the new dress was $40. I kid you not! Forty Bucks! Wow. You just can’t beat that. Now I just have to find shoes. I found the perfect shoes for the other one. They are very greek. Super pretty. I’ll put up pictures of all these silly dresses soon. You’ll all see what I mean.
Tomorrow, well, today because it’s 1 am, we are finally clearing out and unpacking my storage building and bringing it all home where it belongs. I’ll be so relieved to have my things again. I’ve missed them since I’ve come back here. We are also going to find Randy’s suit. We’ve decided on chocolate brown with an Aqua tie. I think it’ll be pretty. Here’s hoping anyway.  Randy should be writing tomorrow (today). He wants to jump in this. He’s running out of time. LoL.
The flowers are coming along nicely. I decided to use fake ones so I wouldn’t have to be making my bouquet the day of the wedding. Talk about stress. I’ll just keep if afterwards. It’s a 30 people wedding. I don’t think anyone’s gonna care if my flowers are real or not. They are pretty though. I’m using daisies, hydrangeas, and renucluous. All my favorite flowers. <3 It’ll be beautiful…. just like my new dress! HA!



Oh! And 23 days!

An Update! We're on again! Yay!

After 3 long, painful, confusing months we are 25 days away from our wedding day and I couldn’t be happier or more excited! I got my wedding dress today which was an awful experience, but I’m very excited about the potential in the dress. It is a dress, but I am in the process of making it MY dress. I ordered a custom birdcage veil from a close friend of mine and I’m going to be wearing a feathered flower headpiece with it. I’m going to look tomorrow to try to find what exactly what I’m looking for. I know that I will be using Gerbra daisies (White) and adding rhinestones to the bouquet. I’m wrapping it in Aqua ribbon and using some rhinestones or seed beads there as well. Now to find shoes. Ugh. That’s not gonna be fun. I see a lot of trips to a ton of stores buying shoes, bringing them home, trying them on, then returning what doesn’t work. I hate that though. We are getting Randy’s suit this week as well. That should be fun. All I know is that it’s going to be grey with an Aqua tie and he wants to wear a vest. Tomorrow we are working on a playlist, finalizing our menu before we go to Alexander’s next Monday, deciding on cake flavors, and calling our venue to get some more details. Randy has been really involved and wants to help and plan right along with me. He has no idea what that means to me. It’s been wonderful. I’m truly happier now than I ever remember being in the pass. We are doing so well.
We are also going to start right after the wedding to start our family. We are both trilled about that. We are so ready to bring a baby to this home. I found a carseat at Sears yesterday on Clearance for $13.99 and I COULD NOT pass it up. Randy loved it. We were both so excited. I know we are probably jinixing ourselves but we are enjoying it. I’ve decided to start clipping coupons. Ther e is an art to it and you can get stuff for next to nothing if you play it right! I’m going to start getting diapers and wipes and things to put up for whenever it happens for us. I want little Alice or Oliver to never have to worry for anything when they get here. Anyway, I’m looking forward to picking this blog back up. We hit some rough times, which I’ll eventually talk about here, but I’m happy right now and I don’t want anything to bring that down. 25 days!!!

Nearly Newlyweds

Here I am, a mere 95 days before tying the knot, and I have decided that I want to document this time in my life with the love of my life. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this will eventually be a joint blog, between the future hubby and myself, when ever he can find the time to jump on the bandwagon. :-)
Being only 95 days out I have felt so many emotions that I simply can't explain. I have a fear and a joy and a nervousness and an excitement that never leaves my side. Now having all those emotions constantly running around in your body makes one quite tired, but that could also be contributed to the awful weather we've been having recently. We took our engagement photos on Sunday and it was, oh maybe 35 degrees outside. Now, I'm sure to most people in the country this is perfectly fine weather to be running around downtown in, but I'm from Alabama and anything below 60 is frigid to me. It was alarming how many thoughts and emotions that can hit you unexpectedly while you are holding your future husband, staring into his eyes, and having someone photograph it. I don't think anyone takes enough time just to look at each other. Not talk, just hold each other. And kiss. :-) It was chilling. I can't remember the last time I held Randy and just looked at him. Just took him in. It brought me to tears. All of my fears came to a resolve, and my stress, for a quick moment fled like it was never there in the first place. It finally became real how close the big day is. I know even if the dress doesn't fit right, the flowers look like crap, the food is bad,the cake falls, and something goes completely wrong that Randy will be standing next to me and that's all I need.
I'm ready. Not without fear, but without reservations. I'm ready to walk down the isle. I'm ready to finally, after nearly 5 years, be his wife. He is my best friend. He has been my number one supporter. He has held my hand through my darkest days, and he's been waiting on the other side when I finally find the light again. I know that he is the one set aside for me. I know when I was born, when I was raised, when I grew up, with every choice that I made, and every choice that was made for me, it was all for him. It was all to end up here, at the end of an isle, saying I do, to the one person that was meant to hold my hand for the rest of my life since day one.


<3 The Bride